Road to PharmD

Mothers

2011-04-25T22:25:00.000-07:00

My cat Hobbes, at the ripe old age of 17 years old still knows how to catch a bird. There are times when I think that I shouldn't have spent $1500 to remove a fibrosarcoma from his shoulder - a cancer that would have killed him quickly. I was told that the surgery might by him 6 months. Three years later he seems to have a chronic sinus infection and a will to live that many humans, including myself would die for.

Last year Hobbes caught a baby bird that was learning to fly on my balcony. Some people applauded him - the predator catching his prey. I felt horrible - that I should have protected the baby birds that learned what life is all about on my balcony.

Tonight - I left my balcony door open - a new crop of baby birds - fetuses resting in a nest encapsulated in their eggs - with a mother to keep them warm. I heard a thump against the glass and got up to see what the ruckus was. I caught Hobbes in my hallway with the momma bird in his mouth. I forced him to let go of the bird and the soft underfeathers sprinkled the carpet. The bird still moved in my hand as I ran to place it on top of the eggs awaiting the mother in the nest. I waited and went to check on the mother - worried that it was dying on the nest. When I checked - she moved down to the ground. Further worry made me think that perhaps its wing was broken and she wouldn't be able to make it back up to the nest to keep her babies incubated.

I went out again - gently chased the mother around into my gently cupped hand and finally settled her down on her nest. Last I checked - she was looking up at my flashlight. I hope to have her look up to me in the gentle sunlight of morning - with the daddy bird ready to assist in the light of day.

The aftermath

2011-04-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have been staying away from the blog - hoping that I don't need a place where I dump all of my sadness - that it doesn't exist - but it does.

School is over. I did it. Pharm.D. is now my official suffix with a Dr. to precede my name.

And now I have time to think - my nemesis is unstructured free time.

I am in purgatory. The time between finishing school and going onto my next adventure - Hawaii.

My life as I wanted it to be is gone - spending weekends with my mom are long since gone. I raced forward - revved up - and now find myself stalled at a light. I have time to look around and see what my life could have been - and now need to look towards the next intersection at what it could be.

The memories of my mom laying in a hospital bed in her bedroom still haunt me. This thing that we all go through seems like an assault on me personally. I came across a blog on facebook - the Unprepared Caregiver - a blog that discusses the feelings that people have when they are taking care of their loved ones - the feelings and thoughts that people don't understand unless they have been there - and I felt a little better. I wish I could put this behind me. It is behind me but I grasp it - pulling it into the here and now as if I let it go that I would fly into the sky and be lost forever. And instead I find it pulling me into the abyss. If only there was a way to just lightly touch it - knowing it is there - without its weight.

Post Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

My stepfather and I had a really good time. We talked a lot about my mom.

We both commented on how we were sure that she was sitting with us in her green rocking chair - that still has the shawl that my sister made for her resting on it. It serves as a place marker for where she is in spirit and where she should be physically.

We both teared up in our reminiscing.

We talked about how they met, and all of the dreams that she wished would come true the first few days after she was diagnosed. He was proud that of her original list of things she wanted to do - that she did them all. And we talked again about how she never got to go Antarctica - but I must admit that the idea of going there probably sounds better than actually being there.

She lived again tonight - spent the evening with us. And I think I needed a Thanksgiving in which I was able to talk about how much I missed her - and to hear my father figure tell me how proud he is of me - and I know I couldn't have done of any of this without him - or her.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

I am going out to dinner for Thanksgiving for the first time - well at least in this country. Having spent previous Thanksgivings in Peru and Costa Rica - I realize how much I have tried to escape the holidays before.

I remember that while my mom would let me get out of the occasional Thanksgiving - I always needed to show up for Christmas. I am contemplating not doing that either this year dependent on where the Christmas festivities will be located.

I have found it interesting that only my friends have asked me where I am actually going instead.

I needed to be home this weekend so that I could work on my CV, research paper, mock advisory committee, entrepreneurial management assignment and statistics homework - and also I suppose doing some laundry would be in order.

The cats have also missed me this quarter. Most days I am out of the house for 12+ hours at school. Hobbes has let me know his dissatisfaction with this by meowing both when I am awake and at 3:00am. He is a smart gato. He knows meowing in front of the mirror in the front hallway and in the closet lets his voice carry the most. He still looks good though. Right when I think he is down for the count - he always seems to bounce back. He almost has me convinced right now that he will make it for many more years.

The other thing that I have noticed that is heralding in the winterish season is my propensity to hold a static charge. I am hoping that the mini electrical shocks that I administer to both my cats and myself will all keep us in a good mood.

I will be in search of the good mood though. Hopefully my mere feelings of relief will metamorphose into happiness.

Family gatherings

2010-11-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

Family gatherings are not the same since my mom has been gone.

I am getting considerable pressure to participate in Thanksgiving with my family this year.

But every year, I convince myself that it will be better - that I will be happy that I went - and while seeing my family is important to me and I love them - I end up feeling nothing but a dishwasher.

I was the dishes because I have no one else with me - no children to take care of - no spouse or boyfriend to attend to. I see a need and I fill it. However - rarely does anyone see the absence which I need filled in my family. No one ever asks me about school. This thing that I have been working so hard at for the last 4 years - this thing that is so difficult to get through. But I would like to think that I am such a professional - that I make it look easy.

On my most recent date - he asked me - so you seem to be good at everything you do - is there anything you struggle in? And I have to admit that I was speechless at first. I think I was speechless mostly because I hadn't assumed that anyone would ever think that I am good at what I do - and then I was speechless to think of what I was bad at - but then it came to standing up for myself. I am not very good at standing up for myself within the context of my family - and yet I would think that they would beg to differ.

So I am taking a bye on this Thanksgiving. I am not washing any dishes. And I am not feeling resentful when no one asks me about me or how school is. And I am going to learn how to take care of myself.

Take care of yourself

2010-10-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

By the time I hit Thursday evenings - I am wiped out. I have given all of my energy in the first part of the week and have very little left to deal with the self criticism that I dole out freely.

I had a series of nightmares last night that made me realize that I when I don't take care of myself - that I can be seriously hard on myself. I remember being in a car with two of my classmates and a random person from high school who basically let me know that my presentation style and personality were not okay and then I ran into another friend who reminded me to left my softer side show. Another part of the dream had me TA'ing a class on hospice care and some of the students openly disliked me. All of this let me know that I had let the two things of which I am most proud - my interest in education about hospice and my teaching abilities - become vulnerable.

So today - I reflected on how to take better care of myself while also trying to boost my self confidence about myself. I will find the happy medium.

Dodged a bullet

2010-10-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

I was in love with my first boyfriend - we became reunited and I visited him in Germany while he was stationed there. I realize that I was in love with the idea of him though. A young love re-kindled. He since became engaged to another and subsequently married. I heard that he has become this machine of hate against the people he is fighting. I could never be okay with someone that openly hates a group of people. I am relieved that he is now someone else's problem and not mine.

You worry too much

2010-10-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is a character flaw - or a leftover of my childhood PTSD - hyper-vigilance served me well as a middle school teacher - but seems like something I need to temper now. There is something to be said for going with the flow - and I hope to become more proficient at it.

If only I become less smart so that "ignorance is bliss" could truly take over.

The Holidays - urgh

2010-10-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

With the waning of the days I feel the holidays approaching.

I would like to deal with the holidays as I have dealt with them in the past - by leaving the country - but alas, I will need to delve into residency applications and finishing my paper. These are my priorities right now and luckily they coincide with the holidays. And I know Denny's is open on holidays. So there's that.

Rapunzel

2010-10-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

There are times - up on the 20th floor - when I wish my hair was longer - that someone could climb up it to rescue me from myself - in the isolation that I have created.

My friends tug at my metaphorical hair - telling me that it is okay to trust - to let people in - to be less grrr and to smile more. It seems like I am able to hear this more now than I have ever been able to.

The 19 stories below me are filled with trying to make jokes to hide my vulnerability - and sometimes it seems as if I am on the ground floor - and the 19 floors are actually horizontally splayed out before me as impervious walls that no one can traverse.

I am aware though that I must bring myself to the ground level and knock those walls down - before I get that third cat and resign myself to spinsterhood. Then no one will need to climb up my hair - I will already be there on their level.

Change of Plans

2010-10-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

I was going to write an extensive metaphorical compare and contrast on a dirty car versus a clean car - but it can be summed up quickly.

A dirty car - windows covered in grime - despite quick gas station clean-ups makes you adapt to double and triple check while you change lanes and merge at quick speeds.

But a good wash - wiping away all the dirt and soil - suddenly makes your view clear and vivid.

Instead, a new inspiration has washed over me - unconditional love and shades of gray.

My friends have demonstrated time and time again that they love me unconditionally - I suppose the same could be said about my family - well, mostly my sisters. I find it fascinating that I also love my friends and family unconditionally - and yet leave no room for shades of gray of how I process how they feel about me.

I am good at black and white - people like me or they don't; I am okay with my actions or I am not. But gray exists much more than I would like to admit. Mayhaps things are not so clear - but kind of a smudgy mixture.

I am coming to terms with my mom. She has been on a pedestal and down in the lowest of the lows in my mind - it is time to bring her into a charcoal state of mind/mine.

Changing seasons

2010-10-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

The thing about the weather in the Bay Area is that you cannot detect the changing of the seasons by the weather. All of the weather traditionally found on the kindergarten season charts just don't seem to match up. Summer was Spring and Autumn is now Summer. So easy to get discombobulated. However, what doesn't change is the shifting angle of the sun and the days growing shorter.

This time shortening taps into memories of Halloweens past and Thanksgivings gathered around a table.

My memories of Halloween jump from me doing the trick and treating to now accompanying my nieces as they venture out into the night. I like that I am there for them with their parents in case anything scary pops up. I think when people, especially children, become scared that there is someone/something there to immediately reassure them that they are safe - or would do anything to insure their safety.

And then there is Thanksgiving - a time also shared with my sister's birthday.

This year, I think I want to try something new. No big meal around a table - nothing to remind me of the distinct and striking absence of my mother.

I will admit that the Fall in the last several years have been trying. I skipped many classes - cradled my broken heart away from the eyes of my transparent grief. And now - it is appropriate that I am in class again - and ones in which I cannot miss. The exorbitant amount of busy work that keeps us occupied - fills my week.

During these last few years, I have built myself up to be this cerebral person - hiding my heart away. And I have forgotten how to flirt. This was something I excelled at when younger - but the thought of having my heart broken again by the loss of another has kept my off the grid. This will no longer be happening though. The most important part of living - is living - and this I will pursue whole-heartedly - even if it breaks again in the process. There has been a change of seasons.

The personality of a bulldog

2010-07-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

I got switched to arthroplasty in the middle of the day today. The learning curve steepened again.

My preceptor explained that with arthroplasty - it is more detailed oriented. And that he equated me to a bulldog - that when I attach onto something that I don't let it go. I took it as a compliment and started to think about how I am perceived by others. He said that I was "teasable" and that I would dish it right back. And I started to think about my role as both an adolescent and teacher.

The goal of my youth was to survive and I learned various ways to do it. On one end of the spectrum - I tried to be amicable and try to find acceptance - but at the same time (and I think I mentioned this before) that when backed into a corner, I come out swinging. In the midst of my rotation I have done both. I find that I am still paranoid that the people I come into contact with - as in other professionals - that they dislike me and I consciously have to talk myself down off that ledge. When I feel like this - I find my interactions clunky and awkward.

But with the patients - I find that I am at ease.

So I need to work on my interactions with other professionals - but know I am right on track with what is most important - the patients.

Rotations

2010-07-12T17:36:00.001-07:00

I have been enjoying my rotation on the Orthopaedic Spine surgery service. And I will be transferring to knee and hip arthroplasty next week. I am going to try and take it as a compliment that I will be doing both in a 6 week span.

I find that surgeons don't scare me. I had an attending surgeon sign a med order and the response from someone was - "I don't think he has ever done that before."

Another spine surgery fellow got a few people in an uproar that he couldn't find us to write a special prescription for a patient that was leaving. The next time I saw him - I informed him that he could have called in that prescription and didn't need us - he gave some dorky smile and walked away.

The patients have been amazing though. Some of them remind me of my mom - others remind me of my self worth. I think to one patient I said off the cuff, "I am just the pharmacist." He sincerely and pointedly said - "Don't ever say that again. You aren't 'just anything.' We all have the same value - we may have different roles - but we all have the same worth." Upon discharge - he and I shared a special moment - and we both teared up a little - with the parting words being that we had both made a difference in each other's lives.

Some patients have the same hands as my mom - something that I am keen to - I look at their hands and nails and see my mom's - I never let them know what I am thinking.

Of course, I struggle with my self worth during the day - reminding myself that people don't inherently hate me when they first meet me - but child hood was rough - and certain things are etched in with acid.

My birthday

2010-06-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

I still have this picture burned into my mind of what birthdays used to be like. Sitting around a table with my mom, stepfather, sister and her family. It was the familial birthday celebration. The one I miss.

This last year has made me take stock in who my family is. My family are my sisters who either sent me cards or called me on my birthday. My family is my aunt - my mom's sister who has taken over the role of making sure I fly right and graduate from school. My family is stepfather who didn't send me a birthday card - but a card which discussed living life - that it is not the destination but the journey - and he signed it "Love, Dad." My family are my friends - the ones who have been through it all and love me despite of my shortcomings. All of these people have come to the forefront. Justine flew up from LA to have a joint celebration and it was wonderful - reminded me of old times - and for a second I almost wished that I could be taking classes with everyone for forever.

I must admit - there was still a moment on how I focused more on how my biological father couldn't be bothered to call me for a few brief moments on my birthday - or that my sister-in-law gave her regards by sending a birthday greeting from my nephew on facebook. I called my brother on his birthday - why couldn't he call me.

But if I was to construct a pros and cons chart - the positives would far outweigh the absence of two no-shows. Well, and I somehow hoped that Germany would say something - but I must have been kidding myself.

I have a clean house, rotations starting soon and a bright future that awaits.

I have three more E-harmony people to come to terms with. I wrote to one and said that I was going to be starting rotations soon and would have very little time left to dating. He replied with "Hilarious. Thanks for the note." I couldn't quite figure out what was funny about my heartfelt message - but at least I learned that he is probably not the one for me anyways.

I am done with dating for now - and it is almost liberating. No more pressure to try and find "the one." Now I can just focus on being a good pharmacist.

Melanoma, Afghanistan and Hands

2010-06-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have no one to check and see if that mole on my back is growing or becoming discolored with jagged margins. These are things I think about when I am alone.

Germany deployed to Afghanistan this week. I sent him a message telling him that I would always love him and to take care. I know that most likely, I will never hear from him again - but that he will live through it - or maybe not. I think about his hands - sitting outside at a cafe in Nurnberg - him holding my hand and saying goodbye. I knew he was saying it - perhaps for my own good - perhaps because he was too scared to take a chance. There would only be a few more exchanges after that morning and I would keep holding on while he had already let me go. I symbolically moved the Nurnberg refrigerator magnet from the front - where I could see it easily - to the side of the fridge where I would only see it while cooking - which I rarely do. Normally when I cook - it is for someone else. And when that occurs again - there will be someone there to soften the blow of the hole that was left in my heart in his absence. He wants to be in Afghanistan - wants to see combat - and perhaps this is a person with whom I have nothing in common - without the context of our youth - I don't think I could understand anyone who wants to put themselves in harm's way - and yet at the same time - I understand only too keenly. I am someone that walks into crosswalks without barely looking - daring cars to hit me - wondering what the impact would feel like. And yet - with my knowledge of pharmaceuticals - know exactly how to end things in my sleep. But the cats and my friend connections keep me alive.

While walking to the market today - I thought of my mom's hands. I could almost feel her hand in mine - remember what her nails looked like - what color polish would be on her fingernails - the fungus that was growing on the underside of one of her nails - the one that transferred to the back of my head and makes me itch from time to time. I know I could get an anti-fungal to make it go away and yet in some sort of sick way it makes me think that I still have part of her with me. The stuff about holding her in my heart doesn't seem to work anymore - but having her in my head has always been a constant.

Germany came right on the heels of losing my mom and my relationship with C and then I lost him too. I have managed to fill my entire calendar with times that make me ache.

Kori

2010-06-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

I have many memories of Kori from our youth. It was back in a time when it was just me going over to see my Dad. My older brother and sister had ceased spending time there. With a five year difference, I was old enough to do the wrong things and she was young enough to think that what I was doing was cool - hence copying them - and me getting in trouble for setting a bad example. I think I learned what I had put my older sister through...

There is one memory that sticks out. Whether or not this is how it happened is debatable and yet this is how I remember it.

We were sitting in a boat with my father. He was attempting to teach us how to fish. I may have been 10, she might have been 5. He had explained to me what to do. I got my first nibble and instead of pulling up on the rod - I just starting reeling in - the excitement had me forget which steps to take first. I lost the fish. I may have handed the rod over to my Dad. But he I believe he said something like "Goddamnit - you have to pull up first!" I was deflated - started to tear and might have even sobbed silently. Kori comforted me. My dad was oblivious. For some reason that memory sticks with me. Maybe because it was one of those times when I realized that my dad maybe never wanted to be a dad in the first place - or that he wasn't the amalgamation I had concocted in my brain based on stories I had read as a child. I made him to be this idyllic character - something that drove my older sister crazy - but I didn't know any better.

Kori doesn't think she is very good at dealing with the emotional stuff - but she is - she has been instinctually doing it for most of her life.

I may look down on her in terms of years and height - but I look up to her in all other ways.

Despite any sort of familial shifts - I know that my siblings will always be there when I need them - even if I don't know how to ask.

walking alone

2010-06-04T22:39:00.001-07:00

It was while I was walking alone yesterday that I realized that walking alone might not be the best idea.

I constructed the suicide note in my head as I walked - thinking about how sorry I was that I just couldn't bear to deal with this world anymore - that I asked my question of what the point of life was. I thought about climbing the fence on the University Ave overpass and jumping down - and then I thought about jumping into the Berkeley Aquatic Park. And then my logistical side kicked in - no - I would live through that... And it occurred to me that through exercise I was able to break down my tough exterior enough to actually having feelings. I am on enough drugs to prevent me from feeling them without some sort of extra stimulus to let them break through. Of course, I would never follow through on these thoughts - despite the tears falling down my face while I thought them.

Now I have therapy three times a week for a while. That seems like a better option.

Trying to make friends with my demons

2010-05-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how strong the urge to cocoon is.

I told Dr. R that I would go to the picnic yesterday. I didn't go. It was just easier to stay home.

I was disappointed that I didn't go. But the thought of being social was too overwhelming. And I was still working on my CHR - which I hope to finish today after tutoring.

I know my days of freedom are numbered - as I get closer to my first rotation.

Dreams and Nightmares

2010-05-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

For a long time I didn't dream - or at least remember them. For the past few months they have been coming back.

When I was in Nevada I dreamed that I was in a long, convoluted buffet line. I kept ending up in different lines. And I took bites of bread - and then put them back on the table. I would hear and see a guy yelling a few places behind me, "Who keeps taking bites of food and putting it back?" I never fessed up - but managed to feel guilty.

In further talks with Dr. R, it was interpreted that maybe I was both people in the dream. Taking bites of different projects here and there - but not really committing to anything - then the guy represented my frustration with myself. And of course - I always feel guilty about something - dang Catholic upbringing...

A few nights ago, I woke up to having a conversation with Jason from wherever he was. It was like we had some deep emotional connection and it was if I was actually talking to him.

Last night I dreamed a nightmare. I was hanging out with my high school friends Denise and Taryn. I had been obnoxious most of the dream and it resulted in a very heated fight. Again - my feelings of guilt manifest themselves through my dreams. I have fears of coming off as obnoxious quite often -- especially when I know they are a result of my insecurities - like still being single - and that I might be damaged goods. So at least I know these are things that I am working on - and can try to confront them in my waking hours.

I have been trying to think more positively lately - and I realized that when I actively attempt to do this that my thoughts of paranoia rear their ugly heads. Again - I am able to realize it though and start to talk myself out of it. I find it so fascinating that I have so many constructs in place that prevent me from wanting to be positive - but there is not time like the present to start making some changes.

I have plans this weekend - Dr. R has informed me that I am not allowed to cancel them. Must keep pushing forward.

This haiku thing is getting addicting

2010-05-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

"Oh, my aching back"

My back brought me home
twisting pain so close to heart
My home brought me back

As I noted elsewhere - the pain is actually closer to my right kidney, but that didn't seem as poetic.

I was telling Sara that I let Hobbes sit on my lap on the drive home (and the drive to my sister's house.) Her response, "You can do that?" and I replied, "yes." I should have replied - "yes, but not without consequence." Taking the gatos for a ride is completely worth it - but the twisting around in the car to wrangle the big guy while driving has taken a toll on my right latissimus dorsi. In the morning - it starts out as a dull ache. However, after several hours of sitting on school chairs - my back started screaming silently - stifling any deep breaths. I left my class early this evening - slowly learning how to take care of myself. I completed all necessary tasks that the day required of me - and decided to go home and give my back a break.

I have another day of getting out and about tomorrow. I am more ready for tomorrow now that I have successfully made it through today. My new theme to work on is telling the positive story - my positive stories. It feels foreign - but unfamiliar things are supposed to feel like that. Thee only way to make it unfamiliar though - is to make it familiar.

But these haikus are going to keep coming. I think I love them.

outside

2010-05-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

I have a two hours before I need to start heading to school.

I look outside and it looks nice - there is sunshine and high clouds. The day is inviting - and yet all I want to do is decline the invitation. There is anxiety associated with leaving the house, with getting in the shower - finding clothes I feel good about myself in. My potential energy is massive - but I find that turning it into kinetic energy is problematic.

I am supposed to create a schedule. I haven't done it yet. Things float around in my brain - jumbled together - and all I need to do is write them down - and again - the momentum to do it seems great. The thing is - is that I inherently know that I will feel better about it if I just sit down and do it. Like my paper.

So when I do write my schedule - I am going to include in it - an hour of cleaning, and I am going to try forcing a smile the entire time that I do it. Knowing full well that the two together will make me feel better.

So for today's haiku:

Outside, Inside

Dark familiar In
In need - transition to Out
Outside is calling.

For the thousandth time...

2010-05-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

There have been messages from the universe that I should not worry so much about finding "the one." That maybe, just maybe - I need to wait until I am finished with school. Which, of course, rationally makes sense.

But my biological clock started ticking a few years ago. It starts out as a dull beat in the background. The kind that is quietly ticking while everyone tells you - when you are in your twenties - "That you have SOOOO much time - don't worry." And then as time goes on and the ticking starts to beat louder - more like the crocodile in Peter Pan searching out Captain Hook - and people are no longer telling you how young you are - that it became somewhat unbearable. But it is the ticking that must go on the back burner.

I always told myself that if for some reason - I never found "the one" that I would travel the world. I tried to come up with an option that would be extraordinary and would not make me feel quite so sad to be lonely and childless.

For many years - I was completely content to never have children - feeling that the responsibility might be more than I could handle. However, with time, the thought of having kids and raising them - teaching them how to read - playing sports - became something that I really wanted.

Maybe I missed my window. Maybe it isn't in the cards for this lifetime. Maybe based on genetics and all that I know comes with it - I shouldn't have them.

But now - I am faced with letting go of the idea of having someone to have them with. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the phrase, "It will happen when you least expect it." Most of the time I want to throw an elbow to the face of the speaker of these words. But perhaps - it is the case.

I have put so much on finding a mate recently - that I have stopped taking care of myself - so ever disappointed at each date that goes poorly - such expectations that I place on any potential suitor - that they can never meet. So I am taking a break from the dating world - only dabbling in it from time to time.

I am going to do my best to get myself figured out - well, as best that anyone can - and I am going to try living life - just to see how it goes - for shiggles.

Haiku

2010-05-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

There was discussion in my humanism through literature class about the healing powers of Haiku.

So I wrote one from the point of view of my cat as I drove home from my sister's house in Nevada.

Thoughts from the Car

snowflakes hit windshield
want to climb over the seats
warm lap, driving spring

It's been a while

2010-04-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

I took a break. But I feel like the universe is telling me to journal again - literally telling me.

I am supposed to be focusing on research right now but find that I am having a difficult time getting motivated. I know if I just sat down and got to it - that it would start to flow. Perhaps it is a fear of failure, or of success.

In the meantime, I am taking electives - one of which is Humanism through literature. There is a reading aspect, a fine arts aspect and a guest speaker - and a requirement to journal 2-3 times a week. This last week, we read an article about the nonspoken things that occur between a patient and physician in the diagnosis of terminal cancer. The painting was of a blue shirt and glasses hanging off of a table and the guest speaker had features that reminded me of my mom. The combination of these left me with tears in my eyes throughout the class. I have noticed that tears don't come easily to me anymore. At times I think this is sad and at other times - it is a relief.

Last Wednesday, I spoke to my Heart Matters class. I shared a little bit of my story - of losing my mom during pharmacy school. Classmates of mine - people I know and people I don't know teared up during my talk - and I almost thought in the middle, "Why am I not crying?" and then realized that maybe, just maybe - some of the worst has passed - at least for now. The only time I choked a little on my words was when discussing Ira Byock's thoughts on the four things that people need to contend with when facing death:

1) I forgive you
2) Do you forgive me?
3) I love you
4) Thank you

I think about these four things in the context of losing my mom. I feel like she and I took care of the first two 6 years before she passed away - at the time of her diagnosis. Then number 3 we said all the time - each time one of us left each other, or got off the phone. And I think what I found most striking was that we didn't verbally discuss number four until the week or two before she died. I distinctly remember telling her, "Thank you for being my mom."

I try to focus on these things in my day to day relationships now. Some are more easily done than others - but I try not to hold grudges, but I should tell people that I love them and thank them for being in my life more.

Maybe through more journaling I can determine what is preventing me from moving forward on my project -- so that I can get that momentum - and keep going...

Dream

2009-11-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

I dreamed last night that I looked into a mirrror and saw tiny white mushrooms growing out of the top of my head - which soon turned into marine polyps as I looked at them in the mirror.

These are the interpretations I have found thus far:

Mirror: There are two schools of thought about your dreams of a mirror. One is that if you see yourself in a mirror it foretells of a terrible illness or failure, (death of a business), and the other school of thought is, to see oneself in a mirror is a sign that you will soon be facing issues within yourself that you have been subconsciously hiding from yourself.

Mirror - take 2: To see your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character.

Reflection

To see your reflection in your dream, represents your true self; it is time to look within. The reflection may highlight both your flaws and positive attributes. Learn from your flaws and how to improve on them and at the same time appreciate your good qualities. Alternatively, your reflection could also indicate how you want others to perceive you.

Mushrooms: To see mushrooms in your dream, signifies unhealthy pleasures and unwise haste in amassing wealth, for it may disappear in lawsuits and vain pleasures.

Coral
To see coral in your dream, symbolizes the beauty of life. Acknowledging your feelings is the key to a happy and rewarding life. Alternatively, it represents purification and blood.

Coral - take 2:
To see coral in your dream represents the magnificence of the natural world around us. In order to achieve true bliss and eternal pleasure, you need to recognize and understand your inner emotions. It may also signify decency, integrity, and the essence of life.

Autumn Falling

2009-10-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Autumn does not seem to be my season. A horrible reminder of how fast everything changed in such a short period of time a couple of years ago. The days getting shorter steadily, symbolically makes it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. In fact - I couldn't - twice this week. Immobilization can easily set in - I try to crack the scar tissue that surrounds the empty space inside me. But I may have to do it through external biochemicals. A small personal defeat is better than a grand exit though.

I recently didn't go to my cousin's wedding. It was not out of bitterness - which it may have seem on the outside - but out of envy - but not for the reasons you might think. It wasn't because she has gotten to get married - but because her mom got to be there. Some things are too painful - so I decided to babysit my nieces so that my sister and her fiance could go instead. It ended up being the right decision - because seeing them and spending time with them kept me going last weekend.

I went to Borders this morning - to buy a medical dictionary and a Postsecret book. I flipped through a few books - almost expecting someone to have written something on one of the pages - but didn't see anything. I ended up picking up one at random. "A Lifetime of Secrets." When I got it home - I found this on a piece of paper written on [October 3, 2009, "You can never know whether a person forgives you when you wrong them. Therefore it is existentially important to you. It is a question you are intensely concerned with. Neither can you know whether a person loves you. It's something you just have to believe or hope." From page 377 of Sophie's World.]

On my way to the cash register at Borders - I saw the Christmas cards - I started tearing up. I am not ready for Christmas. I am trying my hardest to not push everyone away - it is tough though - much easier to just let out the slack of the rope and drift away.

I miss Germany

2009-09-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

Both the place and the person.

I dreamt about him last night. I dreamt that I was walking somewhere in Germany and ran into him - maybe at an airport - but not the Nurnberg one. I wanted to ask him why he disappeared but didn't. I could feel him giving me a hug. And I keep thinking that I can just move on, but it has distracted me much of the day. I think about physically being in Germany - with him and on my own. It makes me almost wish that I spent more time taking photographs. I didn't take them in order to make more of an effort to remember my trip there - instead of relying on photographs to help me. Now I wish I couldn't see everything so vividly - that my sense of recall was dulled.

And now I keep waiting for him to call, knowing that he won't.

I have one more box of books to send him and then I will try my best to put him behind me.

Throwing my hat into the craigslist dating ring

2009-09-25T21:04:00.000-07:00

I can already hear my sister saying, "I just don't think you will meet anyone that way," or Rehema saying, "Craigslist? Are you trying to get killed?" but it is free and there is only a one week commitment and I can decide how much information is disseminated about myself. But, yes - it typically yields nothing - rarely even dates - I assume that is me though - not the fault of craigslist per se.

I write people, they write me, (or vice versa) they see a picture of me and I never hear from them again. I normally take this personally. Charles tried to talk me out of taking this personally - which I appreciated. He made the point that people have this preconceived notion of who they are speaking with and when what they get doesn't match up to their ideal, they drop out. Makes sense, but I still feel ugly - or at least not attractive to the opposite sex.

I missed a phone call this morning from a withheld number - voicemail registered but there was no message. I convinced myself it was Germany calling from Romania - or that he came back as originally scheduled. But I am fooling myself.

My psychiatrist is breaking up with me - well, not me exactly - or because of me - she is taking a full time job and will get full health benefits. I am happy for her - I like her - I will miss her. I keep trying to think about compartmentalization - that maybe seeing someone new will indicate some new phase of growth - that she has helped me right myself after losing mom - and now maybe this new guy she wants to have me see will help me get to some new idea in my head. Who the hell knows... Right now, after losing Germany and now her - I have this distinct urge to just keep everyone at arm's length - makes it easier when I lose them.

Has a ship to sail and she doesn't need anyone on it

2009-09-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

Well, that isn't completely true - but I think tonight - in terms of this entry - I need to be writing to myself. It is time that myself and I sat down and had a chat. You can read along if you would like - is ok. But I am going to cry - so I hope that is ok with you. I try and protect you from my feelings - those feelings that I think will destroy you - the way that I feel destroyed sometimes.

I need to be nicer to myself. I need to not see Germany as a mistake - or how I acted as a mistake. But being shut out hurts. I keep trying to see it as a good thing - that I don't know how many more goodbyes I could have endured. That maybe it was easier for him to shut me out while I know he is still alive. That he was doing this for me. I turn away from the truth - that this was for him - his own wants - and he didn't understand me when I said, "It is easier for me to put your needs in front of my own." Maybe I am the one with the problem though - why am I putting someone else in front of me? I keep thinking that I am destined to be alone until I can learn to put myself first - or that there is some equally difficult "lesson" for me to learn - that I am failing at - which leads into this horrid cycle of self criticism that is so severe that I can't even identify it when it is happening. And yet it is a constant in my thoughts - that it got implanted at such a young age that it feels like a curse now. Germany told me that he thought it was foolish that I wasn't dating other people - but my heart was with him - how could I put it up to someone else? And I am not one to date just for the sake of dating - I am too old for that - right? But he certainly has made it easier for me to go back to dating - since he has severed ties - I guess - with no explanation - except for the one I am supposed to presume. And it hurts. I worry that maybe my heart is too freshly wounded - not enough scar tissue has built up around it to protect it from the fresh cuts that it has experienced as of late. Or is it that as each person leaves, they take a little bit of my heart with them - and I don't have much left anymore. And when I write - and allow these feelings to come to the surface - without the supervision of a trained professional - it feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. Or that I should only take care of others and just sacrifice myself all together.

The only residency I am interested in is one in which I would simultaneously be on the Code Blue and Palliative Care Teams - what does that say about me? Maybe metaphorically, that I am continually existing between two worlds - one in which I am fighting like hell to save my life and the other where I am in pain - trying to ease the suffering - except I don't use my pain killers anymore - which leaves me with little else - except to pass on to another world.

There are times when I can see my mom's hand reach down in front of me - and I try for now - to just remember that it is there for when I need it. And I am reminded about all the hands that reach out to me now - and I want to keep a happy face on for them - but I know there are times when I am going to need their help and will only have tears to offer them - which makes me feel pathetic. "No one wants to hear about your problems." Why can't I just be gentle with myself? And yet it is this voice that prevents me from giving up, pushes me to go forward. "You must succeed. Don't quit school just because you are sad that I am gone."

I feel like a prisoner draped in my own depression. And it is seeing that sentence written down that makes me feel like I should be alone - that I deserve to be alone. Maybe someday the blackened CSF in my cranium will drain of its color and return to normal.

up and about

2009-08-11T05:31:00.001-07:00

I am going to get up and go running this morning. I am just waiting for the sun to decide to make an early morning appearance. I am a little wary of trying to make it through my day on only 4.5 hours of sleep, but it all really seems out of my hands. And I will have a small break between work and my first pharmacy related informational dinner. Should be interesting, but makes for a long day.

I am also thinking that running might be a good idea because of how I have been craving and eating ice cream/gelato the last few days. I started to feel a little bit like a gelato junkie as I figuratively ran across the street to hook myself up with two scoops of coffee dutch almond last night - right before the public market closed. It made me happy that at least I was no longer going out and getting any other substances on a daily basis - and I know I can quit frozen desserts - any time I want.

gentle nudges from Hidie

2009-08-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hidie reminds me from time to time to come back here. I think she knows that this is a place that I need to visit. This is where I talk to ghosts of myself. Where I sit down and talk to the little kid that had such a tough time growing up, the part of me forever coming to terms with my current existence, or the person that dreams of a future filled with love - all spectors just remind me that I am human. This is the place that I continue to share with a only a handful of people - thankful that no one else would bother to enter into such a heavily wooded area of the internet.

And it has become a bit of a sacred place because outside of therapy - this is the place where I sit down and cry - where I simultaneously tell myself that my life has been tougher and no tougher than anyone else's - where I hash out my contradictions and self pity - where I sometimes remind myself to be gentle - with myself - seeing harsh self criticism written so starkly on the screen in front of me. It might be because of all this that I become scared to visit here often.

My days of continuous crying have waned - replaced by feelings of hope, normal frustrations about work, daydreams of future travel to Germany. And yet there are still times when I feel short of breath, suffocating under the weight of my own expectations. I know when these expectations took root, planted by someone else - but I have tended to them - took them on as my own. I work so diligently on not allowing myself moments of imperfections - and it is exhausting - and this is the person I hope to free soon - maybe prune a little so that new things can grow and bloom. I don't necessarily want to give myself free reign to screw up all the time, but I want to be a little nicer to myself when I do screw up - and I will - I always do - just like everyone else.

So my toe has dipped into the pool - maybe I will actually go swimming in the blog tomorrow night.

Some days hurt more than others

2009-06-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

and I have no reason as to why.

I need to leave for work in a few minutes and I can't seem to stop crying. I keep thinking about driving to the Hallmark store in Blackhawk - maybe it is the summer months that get me to thinking about Christmas with my mom. Today - I miss her more than usual.

The Prayer Cycle

2009-06-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

So I don't want to ruin the surprise but I am fairly certain you will forget about it in the next several decades... I have found the music I want played at my memorial service. Now - don't get me wrong - I am not being morbid - I feel like I am just still trying to take care of my loved ones once I am gone. It is multilingual, appropriate for a memorial - somewhat uplifting and somewhat pensive in nature. I think it is representative of me - many ethnicities have told me that I could be one of theirs anyways. The titles of the songs include the following: Mercy, Strength, Hope, Compassion, Grace, Innocence, forgiveness, Benediction and Faith. All things I strive for on a daily basis - some come easier than others. And the music is beautiful and powerful. If you want to check it out now - I strongly encourage it.

I found the CD somewhere along the same lines that I found my father again. And there is one song - Grace which features James Taylor and he talks about "Father, won't you carry me? carry me home?" and while I understand it is more of a reference to God - I have chosen to see it a little more literal and yet figurative simultaneously. By the time you hear it though - it will be truer to the originally intended meaning. Again - not meaning to be morose...but I have been searching for the balance to be ok with my own passing and still wanting to live. I didn't think it was actually going to happen - but then I lost my mom and after bargaining and begging and pleading with whatever entity that could bring her back to me - I realized that it was futile - and every day - I begin anew with knowing that I won't touch her hand again or give her a hug or hear her laugh or watch her silently cry - in a way that makes my heart ache now to even think about. For my own passing - I have normally only been ok with it when I was succumbing to depression. Throughout the grieving process - I have realized that I have become better at thwarting my own sadness - as if I know when it is coming and can take actions to help prevent some of the feelings of self destruction. Oh trust me, they are still there - but not to the point of me actually destroying myself anymore. And there are times when I write things like this - and I think - this can't be normal...

I have also thought a lot about faith and hope and how I tell myself that I have them - these traits that were so important to my mom and my family - and a friend pointed out that maybe I don't have as much faith as I thought. And this was really important for me to hear - I was able to take a look at how I talk myself out of believing the good - that I don't have faith that good things are going to happen - and I should. For a long time - it was about having faith in other people - it was about them - their values, characteristics. After my friend's comment - I realized that it was a lack of faith in myself that I needed to contend with - that of course someone I care about is going to most likely return the feelings - why wouldn't they? And yet I can talk myself out of thinking that in a heartbeat - come up with a million reasons why I am not good enough...and I think I am tired. Tired of doing that.

the woman with Alzheimer's

2009-06-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

She keeps trying to come into my house. She sticks her key in the door - it fits but doesn't turn.

I hear her try a few times before she turns to make the long walk back down the wrong hallway. After the first few times of doorway visits, I stopped going to the door to open it. Her look of embarrassment was enough to make me think that coming to the conclusion on her own was ok.

I don't mind hearing the key in the lock anymore - doesn't startle me the way it did the first few times. Let's me know she is doing ok.

I am a big fan of the pre-emptive strike

2009-06-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

My dad talks a lot about ambushes and bushwhackers - maybe that is why he is so aware of a well placed pre-emptive strike. He appreciates the value of advance warning.

On February 11, he called me while I was studying for a midterm in the library. He even referred to it as a pre-emptive strike and said he wanted to talk to me before the 12th hit. He said he wasn't even quite sure why he was doing it but then attributed the call to my mom - that she made him call me. I had forgotten that is was her birthday the following day - while never forgetting it - if that makes sense. I had gotten wrapped up in school and hadn't allowed myself to check in about how I felt. And as he started talking I started to cry - overcome with a flood of emotion - involving some heavy self criticism about having forgotten. He said he knew it would be hard for me. It was as if some force was reminding me to come to terms with it again - well in advance of the midterm I had the next day - where the emotion, in the context of the school day could have possibly destroyed me. And I will remember that night in the library for a long time.

And today, the pre-emptive strike was employed by many - but I see it as a deterrent to disappointment this time. I got a brief phone call from Germany but just hearing from him was all that mattered. It was two minutes in duration - but I have become someone where it really is the thought that counts. I hope I get to see him soon. I heard from my older sister and Sara yesterday and will see them both on Sunday. I talked to Barb - something I haven't done in ages - it was good to hear her voice. In the electronic age, I got messages from my little sister and my aunt. Angela checked in to make sure I had plans for tomorrow and I look forward to seeing her next weekend. And my dad called to wish me a happy birthday - knowing that I would be relatively brain dead tomorrow and out with friends. My present from him was hearing how positive he is about the future and his health. He is making some big changes and I am really proud of him. Justine came over to study for pharmacology and brought salad (she instinctively knew I had no food in my fridge) and shared her chocolate birthday cake with me (her birthday is two days before mine - I joke about how she is so much older than me - by two days). And I will miss her this summer - but that is my reminder of how important her friendship has been to me the last two years.

And for the first time in my life - I didn't want any physical gift other than to keep these memories - to keep the realization that I wasn't going to be forgotten about and that I was special in these people's lives. Going into tomorrow - a time when I will feel particularly vulnerable without my mom, I feel like I have already been boosted up - wrapped in bubble wrap and protected. And while all of my feelings are bittersweet, I can still taste the sweetness and focus on that.

A letter to my mom near my birthday

2009-06-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom-

God I miss you. I think about you all of the time. One of the things that stands out to me the most is when I find myself doing something that reminds me of you - some gesture, or how I cry - where my hand goes to cradle my face and hide my eyes from anyone that may be my witness. I look at my hands and every once in a while - I see your hand - and I wish I could hold yours. I am thinking less about the end and more about our time together.

I have been ruminating about the silly things that you used to say: "I could have had puppies." or "See, it could have been worse." I think about how you shaped me - how you wanted me to be happy. I wish I could have been happier for you.

You would have been so disappointed in my grades this year. I got mostly C's and B's. It may or may not determine whether I get a residency - but the first two quarters of this school year were rough. I was so depressed that I had trouble getting out of bed on some days - and I always think about that day in August - before school started - when you turned around from your computer and told me that I had to still do well in school once you were gone - that I couldn't drop out because "I was sad." At least you knew how devastated I would be by your absence. And I think about how I have this feeling that you never experienced - the loss of your mom - and that I couldn't begin to explain it to you. Anyways - Dad said he was tickled pink by my grades - I said I was getting those grades and his response was "well, all right!" He said he would try and explain to you how those grades are just fine. And I find myself feeling 17 again. How after sophomore year - the year of C's and D's - that I tried so hard to please you with good grades - to live up to my potential...and I think I am living up to my potential - it is just no longer defined by a letter grade on a piece of paper. I am so much more than that - I am what you would truly be proud of - a caring friend and an intelligent woman.

There are times when I think you are with me - I hear a sound or see a shadow when there is no one else there - and I think it must be you. People ask me if I think there is an afterlife - and without hesitation I always say yes - even if it is only within the context of my heart.

Summer is going to be difficult. The summers of 2006 and 2007 were the best of my life. Last year was excruciating - but I had Charles. I worry about what will happen this summer. Maybe you could keep a closer eye on me?

I wish I could hug you Mamacita - just one more time - in the hallway. I am forever thankful that we never left anything unsaid.

I love you,
Becky

Mid finals week

2009-06-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

The exercise has kind of gone out the window - temporarily....but the smiles have remained in place. Even if they are hysterical, loopy smiles associated with the laughter of denial involved in studying.

Although I did have a sad face after my therapeutics final. I think the one thing that I find reassuring is that in general - if I get a lower grade it is never a reflection of me not understanding the material. My goal was to get a B in that 6 quarter unit class - but I realize that I am lucky to not be consumed with wondering whether or not I passed. I always seem to pass.

Germany will be in California in 10 days. I am extremely excited and tempering it at the same time. Just easier to protect myself with lowered expectations and then to be pleasantly surprised if I get to see him - while not expecting to be pleasantly surprised - well, I guess that whole process seems to get complicated. Maybe it is a matter of keeping my expectations in check. I know he is really excited about coming home to see his family and friends - I think my fear is that once he sees them in So Cal - that he won't want to leave them to come up here - which I completely understand and would respect. And I remind myself that I have no control over any of these things - and that to worry about them is futile. Life will be what it is - I can take some steps to go in the direction I am supposed to, but really - in general - I have come to accept that the more I try to change things -- the more they are going to stay the way they were meant to be in the first place.

And with that - it is time to get up, shower, drive to school and get some studying in before the micro final this afternoon. Then there is only one more final on Friday.

a non depressing post?

2009-06-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Exercise seems to be working. Without Pharmacology this morning, I had the opportunity to take care of my drug testing - but decided to put that off to Friday morning. In lieu of peeing in a temperature sensitive cup, I exercised. I also did this because I made plans to study after micro lab in the library with my friend R. We don't actually study 'together,' but for me, just having someone else there makes it easier to focus.

So now, I am going to add on the smiling aspect of my plan. One of the meditations from Eat, Pray, Love was smiling for an hour a day - and I am hopeful that it will help me continue to foster positive thoughts. I think often I try to do everything at once and then tire myself out, get overwhelmed and find it easy to sink back down again. I would like to continue to float upwards - and I can almost feel arms lifting me up.

I have a plan

2009-06-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ok June - I think I am ready for you - or at least I have a plan. Last night was enough to make realize I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I woke up this morning and told myself I would exercise. Despite a much more tantalizing offer to go to the Academy of Sciences this afternoon - I said - no, if I back off on exercise today - it will be too easy to do it tomorrow. So as my mp3 player gets warmed up with punchy battery juice, I thought I would concoct my plan.

Exercise
Smile at friends, while NOT crying
Smile at strangers
Sleep
Study
Eat what I can
Listen to my voicemail - when I get good at that - answer my phone when it rings
Make plans and follow through on them
Have hope and faith - and keep it even when I get held under by the waves of emotions that I am destined to come across - because it is life - and that will happen
Be gentle with my self and heart. I won't always get everything right - but I won't let my pride beat me up and deprive me from enjoying the good that has arisen from other areas of my life that may be absent now. More simply put: Don't let any craptastickness of changed circumstances take away from the happiness I have already enjoyed.
Appreciate the moment - don't get bogged down with the details of a future that may not happen. (btw: I suck at living in the moment - except for this one day walking home from school to my car a few weeks ago - I felt the most wonderful calm just watching the people I walked by, smelling the aromas in the air, and just being. I know this is a lesson though because I hear it from so many different inputs that I can't ignore it anymore - there are times when I feel like the Universe is shouting at me, "Live in the frickin' moment already!")
Change

And I think that is a good start.

Going out with the tide

2009-05-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

If emotions are supposed to be represented by water - then I am surrounded by it - like the middle of the ocean at this point. I am not drowning however - I think the image that comes to mind is that I am hanging out in an inner tube and an occasional friend drops in - asks how I am doing - lets me know I am not alone - and then I go back to bobbing along on the surface.

Another day of struggling with my feelings has left me exhausted and not quite up for my first final tomorrow. Previously I was going to go for the A in Pharm chem - I have now settled for a B. And there are times when I think about how disappointed my mom would be in my grades - but I am doing the best that I can. I wasn't prepared for the depression to be such a formidable opponent for so long. But I guess I should have known.

One day I will smile again - and mean it.

Mercury grade

2009-05-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

Mercury retrograde was the most of the month of May - when everything slows down just a little - electronics fail - and plans should not be made - if you believe in that sort of thing. I think I do. This is typically the time that my computer gets viruses, my phone stops working, and virtually every plan I attempt to make gets thwarted. Whatever I hope and dream about during this time is almost guaranteed to not come through - and I can't even get a drug test to go smoothly.

My summer job should prove to be very interesting. I guess the Universe heard my concerns about having too much unstructured free time - so as of right now - my summer job has me scheduled for 6 days a week. Intriguing.

I dropped by there briefly to introduce myself yesterday instead of going to orientation. The pharmacist I will be working for seems nice and we chatted for only the fewest of minutes - but made plans to sit down again in a couple of weeks. He already had me on the schedule for my finals week, I regrettably informed him that would not work for me.

(I also said that there might be some time I need to take off in the future - and here I lied - kind of - I said that my "boyfriend" was in the Army and that I was unsure of when he would have leave. The only part I lied about was the boyfriend part - and it sounded weird coming out of my mouth. I think he would understand why I said it - and I also realize that I do not need to share all of my innermost thoughts here - but it seems a little late for that now. I am not sure why I am making a big deal out of it - maybe it is as if I feel like I am making some claim to him in my life - that he becomes mine to lose - despite the fact that is an illusion as it is - it gets so confusing in my head sometimes...)

But for the corporation - there just seems to be a lot of miscommunication - but I think I was prepared for all the shenanigans that have occurred thus far. I learned from the hospital job to just kind of go with the flow - show up to the job - be as professional as possible - do the best job and learn what I can - and go home. I think specific to this job is going to be to spend the smallest amount of time on San Pablo Avenue as possible. I walked by one woman passed out on a bus stop bench with her pants down around her thighs and what appeared to be a rectal prolapse. I was not prepared to see that - and was kind of immobilized for a second - then felt ashamed later on that I did not stop and check on her. There are a series of "but..." I can write after that statement - "but" I see them for what they are - excuses against something that I should have done.

I am continuing to try and wage war against my funk. I am trying to let people help me. I am so tired. But I am also realizing that this is kind of a novel feeling for me - which means I have felt better recently. While the tired, who gives a crap attitude is not foreign - it has not been my MO as of late. So I will continue to keep trying to get out of bed in the morning, take a shower, maybe eat something here and there, and study for finals. I feel like I am stumbling toward the finish of another long school year.

2009-05-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have cried a lot today. I have stopped for now - the birds are almost out - chirping in a partly cloudy sky.

I just left a snarky facebook status - using it as my rationale to not study for the rest of the night. I made the mistake of being an informed citizen: North Korea threatens South Korea with war; Taliban continues to invade further into Pakistan - killing many; California's road to insolvency. For some reason - today - everything seemed just a little bit worse. Someone took my rose colored glasses and spray painted them midnight blue. Oh who we are kidding my glasses were only ever 'urine yellow' at best - never rose colored. And I think I am taking the snarkiness as a good sign. My mom used to say that when I started to make jokes after being upset - she knew I was feeling better. And while making jokes about nuclear war is the best I can do right now - I guess it is a start.

After writing the post below - I went back and cried, figuratively, on my friend's shoulder - and he just kept repeating to me that there is nothing wrong with me - that I am perfect the way that I am. And I reminded again and again - thank God for my friends.

I think I might be falling apart

2009-05-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

just a little.

I couldn't get up this morning. The ache of depression seems to be keeping me awake at night again - kind of a low grade hopelessness that consists of chills and sadness. I promised not that long ago that I would always have hope - so I know it is there to some degree. I just can't make it appear on demand - the way you could with a Harry Potter spell.

I wanted to cry again on the way to school. I didn't this time but it was there.

I walked to school from my car - the only exercise I seem to get when midterm and finals are looming. At some point in time earlier in the year - I started noticing the rustling of leaves behind me while I walked the same route that I always do. I told myself that it was my mom keeping me company - letting me know she was there. There have been a few times this week when I heard the rustling leaves - looked around for someone to be walking behind me - to find I was alone. I fought back tears.

I showed up an hour late to class today. Sat down - someone asked me how I was doing - and I started to tear up - through laughing - said "I don't know what is wrong with me," and quickly pulled it together. I don't have anything left. The coping skills have vanished again. I am tired.
After class - I sat with some friends for lunch and just kind of cried - and laughed at myself - just admitted that I haven't been that great - feel tired - like everyone else does. And as I write this - taking a quick break in the library between tackling cocaine and psychedelics - I tear up again. I know I am ok to keep up with school - may not be attending everything 100%, but I am studying - I care about my finals and my grades - that is a step up from last year. I am sure this is temporary - but it is uncomfortable to feel so fragile in public again. It is disheartening to feel so fragile in private too.

Maybe I am scared of June. We have an awkward past - me and June. Seems to always be a time of endings and turmoil.

So I went on a date...

2009-05-25T22:44:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, I drove down to Santa Cruz to meet up with a friend of a friend. We had originally planned on meeting at 10am - he moved the time to 11am the night before - he was out with friends and didn't want to sleep in and be late...so I meet at the designated place - parked and out of the car at 11:02am. He had texted while I was driving that he was going to be late. I put my name in for a table at this very crowded breakfast place and waited - awkwardly. He arrived sometime around 11:40am - there had been an accident or something - more awkwardness and then we are seated at about noon. Breakfast, um lunch, was good - he paid. Then afterwards we walked around that section of Santa Cruz. He mentioned that he grew up in that area until he moved to Germany for high school.

I immediately start to think about the person that I have managed to fall in love with again over these last four months of communication. This person is currently in Germany - I have not seen him in over 15 years but we have been emailing, talking and I have been sending him little packages. Through the course of our communication I have realized how much I love him - that I can feel him - and as fanciful and ridiculous as that might sound to someone from the outside looking in - I am kind of hopelessly in love with him. He was my first boyfriend - and the only reason we had broken up was because he moved to Southern California. I made him a blanket. I was with Charles for almost three years and he didn't get a blanket.

So I am on this date and trying to keep an open mind - and there are things that are kind of jumping out at me - he seems like a nice guy - but also seems a little lost right now - unsure about what he wants to be when he grows up - and I can tell that he is very smart - but I also feel some vibe that I got from Charles - the "I am going to talk to you like I am an authority on everything" thing. And I know it was not done in a negative way or to try and put me in my place - but I guess I just felt disrespected - but I will also admit that might be my issue. A good example was that a brand name drug had been brought up - and I said the generic - and he was like - "no, that's not it - it is something else." I was right. But the thing is that I let him tell me I was wrong - and that in and of itself was not right - and it is a principle thing used to illustrate a point - not that I really care about the name of a stupid drug. We continued to talk and walk throughout most of the day - Cliff drive - Boardwalk - back again. I was quiet more so than I normally am. But he seemed happy talking most of the time anyways.

It is important to note that the majority of the time I wished I was with Germany (as most of my friends refer to him as). I thought about what our conversations would be like - that I would be opening up to him - we would be laughing - I would be flirting. Thinking about him now makes my face burn and my heart skip a beat.

I noticed I did not flirt at all with my date. We ended up at Pacific Ave - did more walking - a very cheap date indeed - and it reminded me of the dates that Charles and I would go on - walking all over San Francisco. And I think fondly of those dates with Charles - we had good times on those walks - but it also reminds me that there was a lack of funds involved on both parts. We eventually decide we are getting dinner - and it was good - but quiet on both sides - and I was hoping that he also noticed that there was no chemistry between us. I paid for dinner. And then we were even and I felt like the balance sheet was zeroed out. He drove me back to my car - we hugged briefly goodbye and I said I had a good time. And well I did - as friends. I think there could be a possibility of friendship - assuming he doesn't end up reading this blog entry. It is important to note afterall of this that he and I had a planned date before - which he canceled - too much to do. I didn't really hear from again until after he saw that I was going Speed Dating - only then did I get a follow up message. This action was not lost on me. And again - he is a nice guy - but maybe just not the guy for me. I think the thing that was most important for me is that it might be futile for me to go on any more dates - with anyone.

Germany told me to do what will make me happy, whether that was going on dates or not - he just wanted me to be happy. And honestly - for right now - I am happy being in contact with him - with having a modicum of hope that I will be able to see him sometime this summer. I am not naive about the future - that there might not be one - but it has been an exercise in living in the present. And while it is bittersweet - this is a feeling that I have grown accustomed to: the saying of farewell to students at the end of a school year, happy memories of my mother and now my love for a man that I do not get to see except in pictures. I hesitated to write about him here - even knowing that he would not read this - but because I am not sure that others would understand. But maybe something else this experience is teaching me - is what do I have to lose by sharing my life?

effing cheese aisle...

2009-05-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

There was a PostSecret card today that got me to really thinking... It had several pink appliances on it and then written in blue permanent marker, "I THANK GOD FOR BREAST CANCER... BECAUSE APPLIANCES ARE SOOO MUCH CUTER IN PINK." Written underneath it was an email message: Making a cake with a Pink hand mixer just isn't the same without her. I found that both messages illicited such a strong response from me. The former infuriates me - and then I remember to tell myself that not everyone understands...that it is not all just about what is "cute" or plastic, figuratively speaking. And the later brings tears to my eyes - and I can feel the ache from reading just one sentence juxtaposed to something so frivolous.

I am happy to be writing again. I am happy that some people have started writing again because of it. I am happy to see the same people come back to read the blog again - the same people who have never given up on me - even when I gave up on myself. It is a good time for me to get my thoughts in order - kind of check in with myself - see how I am doing. Wait, what was that? Oh - I was just informed I am doing pretty well. {And I am still a dork - no, that did not change in my hiatus.}

I knew I was going to be spending the day with my nieces - so I got up relatively early this morning to go grocery shopping. I was in particular denial about how much money I have to last me the rest of the quarter - so I headed to Whole Foods. Highlights from my shopping cart were: Kombucha, soy crack, pumpkin seed crackers, milk, cinnamon Puffins (of course), string cheese, sliced cheese, shredded cheese, two types of coffee, black tea chai, some Green chocolate energy bars (which Jason's roommates would say are made from grass), chocolate chip cookies, apples, and a cheese pizza for my nieces. I get to the checkout and the bagger says, "we have very similar tastes (quite emphatically)." My response was, "what? - sweets, cheese, soy and caffeine?" and he double checks what I have purchased and says, "yes, in general," and compliments me on a couple of specific purchases - like my chocolate covered grass bars. That was the highlight of my trip - but buried within the time-space continuum of my Whole Foods experience was another brief realization that I was never going to be shopping for my own children. I found the feeling almost surprising - it caught up with me in the cheese aisle - and I think after a few minutes I was ok with it again. Maybe I have not only been grieving the loss of my mother all this time - but also of the life I thought I was always going to have.

I was going to delve into the world of potential and possible relationships - but nothing seems to be coming out right - which lets me know that now is not the right time to broach the subject. There is plenty of time for that anyways - especially the way things have been going. But I am ok with that - I am patient - I can wait for the good stuff.

Sharks in the water

2009-05-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

When I lived in Fremont, I dreamt once that the top half of the bedroom was full of water and I saw the ventral side of three sharks circling in the water above me. It left a lasting impression - and while I wasn't fond of sharks before - this kind of solidified everything. Maybe it is one of the reasons that surfing didn't stick... It also became some epitome of fear for me. The last couple of years, I didn't like swimming in the pool without Charles because when I was alone - the shadows of the sharks appeared - and I became scared of being in the pool by myself. I was afraid of not being able to get out of the pool fast enough - before they got me. Of course rationally - I knew this wasn't possible, but I hadn't really been living in the rational world. And then tonight - I went down to the jacuzzi - relaxed for a little bit - spent a little while wishing that the jets did not hit my suit in such a way that it exploded with bursts of bubbly air - rendering them useless to me - and then got in the pool. I remembered my fear about the sharks and almost willed them into existence - just so I could punch one in the nose - but they didn't materialize.

And it got me to thinking about how there has always been this invisible force that I have feared. I don't watch scary movies because of it. I slept with some form of light on well into my late 20s. And when I was younger, I remember running up the stairs at my house at night because of what might have been lurking on the first floor - ready to surprise me from behind and drag me back into the darkness. I thought about how one night - I ran up the steps because I imagined that tarantulas had been released from a secret compartment on each step as I pressed down on it. But then I was also aware of the space where the game closet was at the top of the steps - and that I expected someone to grab me and kill me. I used to hate going out to my car at night in San Ramon - thinking there was some evil force out there as well. That feeling persists to this day - I get in my car as fast as I can and drive out of the court - checking my car thoroughly for anyone stowing away. Hmmm, I wonder where some of my anxiety comes from. There are times that I think something must have happened to cause this thinking and then other times I think I just have an overactive imagination. The common denominator is that I always knew something was coming - I just needed to be able to escape it before it got me.

I just didn't feel secure in my house. I kept my room messy so that I could hear someone step on stuff if they entered my room - so I could wake up - ready myself. One night, I piled all of my stuffed animals on my bed so that I could hide under them - so no one could find me. And yet I have no recollection of anyone ever entering my room except my mom - to check on me, sigh about the state of the messy floor, yell at me to clean my mess up from downstairs or pretend to be the tooth fairy and pick up some previously used teeth. I look back on this kid now and feel like I have written about this before - that I have revisited this scared child not that long ago in this blog. And I think about who I am now - and think - holy shit - have I come a long way, or what?

Sometimes I wonder if that is how I dealt with depression at a young age. But I was also the scapegoat in my family. I was the one who didn't know what to withhold from people - which information would be used against my mom by others. I was the one who didn't feed the dog or fill up the ice cube trays which would inevitably be the thing that my stepfather used as an excuse to binge. And all of my experiences with him ultimately led me to be the person that could come out swinging, metaphorically, if need be. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if Sam had never existed. But then I also think about the nights where Barb and I, over a couple of drinks, exchanged childhood war stories - "but what about this..." and it was funny... and sad, and one of the reasons why we can relate to each other so well. I have accepted that I needed to experience everything I have to get to the point where I am today - but I also think I need to hang out with the scared little kid and tell her that everything is gonna be ok. I got this handled now.

I have recently come back into contact with a friend from my past. A few months ago, we were reminiscing about how we were as kids, young teenagers actually - and he said something about how I seemed so cool and like I thought I was better than everyone else - and I compare what I projected to how I was - and it makes me pause to think about what is going on internally for me now and how others perceive me.

It smelled like sausage mcmuffins...

2009-05-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

on the lower deck of the Bay Bridge while I was driving home from my nonexistent night of speed dating. The event was canceled after it was determined that too many men had shown up in comparison to women. Personally - I didn't see any issue with that - but I am also not a man. I was able to go straight into silver lining mode: I got to feel a little good about myself - get dressed up, put on some make-up, look cute, and more importantly Danielle and I had some quality time together - laughing and talking. I did not feel like it was a wasted night in any way whatsoever - and I found it interesting on how I directly went to, "What does this all mean?" One day, I will learn that not everything means something but not yet - I still need to search for meaning in everything. And honestly, while I was going into Speed Dating with an open mind - my heart is residing somewhere else - someplace that has schnitzel and lederhosen.

Maybe along the lines of considering my own mortality - maybe I should be crossing things off of a master list of things to do before I die. I jokingly said that going speed dating would be one of them - and then I considered skydiving and getting a tattoo. I think my mom had a list of things she wanted to do before she died and I think she was able to do a lot of them too - she improved her own quality of life through those activities. There is no reason that we should have to wait until we get a terminal diagnosis to start living our life - so maybe I will get better at living by preparing for dying. I refuse to call it a bucket list though - buckets make me think of throwing up or washing the car - so I will ponder a better term for it - later.

My TMJ is acting up and I can feel the shooting pain going up the right side of head. And thanks to gross anatomy, said sarcastically, I can actually picture what the nerve looks like. I will always think of that class as something I survived. And I will never for the rest of my life forget the color of bile, for more than one reason.

It is nice to be back here - it is starting to feel like home again - and I can feel myself begin to balance out. I think I needed to go through a period of complete denial for a spell - give myself a break. But the last few weeks have shown me that I needed to come back. I cry on the way to school almost every day now. I think I tell myself that I am going to cry at some point in time during the day - might as well do it sooner rather than later. What I find surprising is that I don't cry because I am going to school, per se. But I am not sure that I could explain it either. I feel that it is important at this point to reiterate that it is the strong who can cry - can be in touch with their emotions and sit with the terrible things that happen - and can also cry tears of joy.

At 11:30pm, I think that I might be able to talk myself out of class tomorrow. I hope to not feel guilty about that. But if I could sleep - and sleep well for a long period of time - that might be therapeutic enough to counteract the guilt. Yep - sleeping in it is then...but no, no McDonald's for breakfast.

My Lucky Charms

2009-05-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

Except they are cinnamon flavored Puffins. I have been thinking back to the many bowls of Lucky Charms consumed by my friend while she was pregnant with her baby girl. I have been eating a bowl of cereal every night for the last 3 nights - and I wondered if they were actually cravings - then I wondered if I was pregnant - but then I thought, "nah...God and I both have too much to do to craft another immaculate conception right now." Plus one of my goals in life is to never be in a featured article of the Weekly World News - and being the mother to the Second Coming would definitely end up in there.

I am trying to get myself in a good head space to go to sleep. I know that once I am asleep, I will want to stay that way - but the challenge has once again arisen to actually falling asleep. I have a good feeling that once the quarter is over, the sleep will improve again.

The last class of Heart Matters was tonight. It sounds like a class on cardiology but it is more along the lines of learning how to take care of self and deal with changes, including loss. Out of the 3 times I attended - twice I turned into a blithering mess. But the last time, I was sharing the story of what it was like for me while my mom was passing away - I don't apologize for that - anymore. This last night, I did not shed a tear - and felt oddly proud of it. Perhaps that is because the rest of the week had been such a challenge and I had already cried. Or maybe I bought into the notion that "strong people" don't cry - but I know that is a heaping pile of BS - but it is interesting how the societal pressure is still there... I am not afraid of my emotions and I think I would rather wear them on my sleeve than in my viscera. On my sleeve - other people can occasionally interject - maybe even dust off my feelings for me - they are always exposed to the light of the day and can dissipate in the fresh air. But in the viscera - well bad things can happen when the feelings are tucked away where no one can get to them - they can change shape, mutate and slowly grow out of control.

Digging in the Dirt

2009-05-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a day that reminded me of last year.

Yesterday I cried in therapy - and she kept saying - you always hold back - you never just let yourself break down. A swirl of images came into my head: my mother's enduring strength and also her unhappiness at my crying over her illness, that if I give in now - there is a worry that there will be no coming back from it. I think I might even consider completely breaking down as the horrible reminder from last year - when I did break down completely and the only thing that made me feel better - was the possibility of backing out of this life. 99% of me is unconcerned about this. I have made it this far - there is no reason to not just keep going through life. But the 1% leftover is worried about the overwhelming feeling of calm that came over me at the prospect of just not having to deal anymore. But all of these thoughts continue to swirl around and rise and fall back down like leaves caught in a mini vortex at the whim of the wind.

I am aware that at the times when I most afraid of dying is when I am at my happiest - that I finally have something that I do not want taken away. And then there are times when I think I have come to acceptance about being gone - fleeting moments though. Mostly I have just gone back to planning my memorial service - not in a morbid way though. I think about how much say my mom had in her own service - and I think I want to choose the music. I want it to be something that is different and will provide comfort at the same time - of course I am assuming that by the time I go - people will be sad to see me gone. After today though - I was sour enough to make no one miss me. And then I quiet the harsh critic again.

So I cried today - still not able to fully let everything out - and I hope that this is not a permanent feeling. It reminded me of last year - crying all of the time in class - having no control over my emotions. And my fear about being sad all the time becomes validated - because I was - at times am. However, I am reminded that this is not the only self of me that exists. Although I just took a break from facebook - it is time to get in touch with the part of me that has no internet connection outlet - the part that should be studying - but I am old enough to know that I must multitask this inner working/life/goals thing at the same time. I am up for the challenge and ready to let it all go again - there is no need for expectations.

Facebook vs Blogger

2009-05-18T12:13:00.000-07:00

Facebook is where I show my happy self. My inquisitiveness about the world - in articles I post about health topics, science, and the ridiculous. Where I interact with people - where my worlds all collide - and yet I only consider one subset of audience at a time (if any) while posting. Facebook is where I show everyone how well I am doing - how good I look on paper. Where I lament about school too show solidarity with my classmates. Where I connect with my former students to remind me about how proud of myself I once was as a teacher (blogger is where I tell how that job was also slowly killing me.)

The blog is where I show the other side. My continual and constant companion of sadness - how much I miss my mom - how life used to be. Where I think of only 4-5 people whom I write to - the people who already know what I am feeling and are willing to read it again and again - and watch it ever so slowly change shape. And 3 of them in particular have all lost their mothers - and I feel a closeness to them - and also a selfishness. Who am I to make such a big deal about my sadness? I am not the first to feel this way and I am not the last - and yet now, very carefully - I am aware of the voice that cuts me down at the first chance she gets - and I remember the words of a friend - tell "her" that she can go away now - that you have this handled - she doesn't need to tell you everything that you are doing wrong anymore. And when I can quiet this voice - the anxiety dips a little - there is a small reprieve - and the slow tug of depression eases up enough for me to crawl back onto solid ground.

Sunday was a day when I could have easily just slipped away... felt the depression come on - the heaviness in my heart - the lack of affect or caring about much of anything. And it is in the blog that I process these things - and it is through facebook that I feel the tug from the outside world. I think about sitting at home - doing nothing - isolating myself - and then an invitation to go out on Friday - and I leave the depression sitting alone on the couch - tell the harsh inner voice to cool it for awhile and I pick myself up and move on again.

But I do know that I need to visit here more than I do - otherwise an imbalance arises that is difficult to correct.

Post Secret

2009-05-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Sara, knower of all cool websites, told me about a website Postsecret.com where people send in postcards anonymously with well, their secrets. A new batch is posted each Sunday and last week's theme was Mother's Day.

There was one postcard that said: I think what I want most in a future husband is a man who can comfort me best when my mother dies. It was written in brown colored pencil with a picture of a weeping willow. It reminded me of a blog entry I did. I have neglected this blog for so long - I kind of think of it as an abandoned space outpost - where I am visiting it - but there is no one here anymore. Maybe I prefer it that way. But the postcard - it makes me cry.

And I come back here to sift through where I have been. Thinking about the Fall Quarter finals - taking that BPS final sobbing the entire time - trying to get to the hospital. Thinking about how quickly everything changed, thinking about how I hated it when people said I must be relieved. And I think about how some things have changed....for a year - I honestly thought that there was something that I could have done to bring her back - that if I went in her place - she would come back. And I think about how I quietly transitioned into acceptance.

My ex boyfriend recently finished an album with his wife and their band. I was a little surprised to hear one of the songs that was about me - from when he and I had been together. But it was a good reminder of who I used to be - and that for the most part, I don't even recognize that person anymore - she needed to go away anyways. I was someone that ran away at the first sign of an issue - something that I rarely do anymore. I think holding the hand of the person you love more than anything else in the world, while they are dying, shows you that you can withstand anything. There will be no running away from the good things that will hurt so bad once taken away - and everything is taken away sooner or later.

2009-04-03T07:05:00.001-07:00

I convinced myself that it might be ok - for awhile - to feel excited about something - that maybe this time I could re-wire my brain to believe in someone.

Maybe next time.

And that has to just be ok for now.

Sometimes I swan dive into the future and sometimes I land with a hard thump into an empty pool - at least it was nice sailing through the air for a bit... and I would jump again.

the next morning

2009-03-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

I wander around my house in the morning with the blanket of fog wrapped around me - plop down on the sofa to start working on my learning objectives for anemia again - and wonder how I will get through this quarter. It hasn't started yet and I feel behind already - but I know that means that I have to work that much harder - and I know I can do it - the determination is bubbling up.

I put out the idea that I might be broken - I feeling that comes up from time to time - and am met with the best words from Charles I could hope for - you are not broken. and you don't need fixing. treat your heart gently -

And I feel like I can move forward again, leave the fog in a pile on the sofa - with the help of friends - I am reminded of my worth when I can't manage to do it on my own. And I am thankful once again for the number of people that I have been blessed to have in my life. I am even allowing the idea of some dreams coming true to enter in again. But slowly I will allow this - for fear of impetuosity getting the best of me - as usual. All the while - trying to remember that at the end of the day - there is very little that I have control over - and that I must trust what the universe has to give me - and that I am lucky - at the end of the day - I am one of the lucky ones...

So this will encourage me to study, keep in touch with those that I love, eat a little better and exercise - and try to live the best life I can. While I fear the fog settling down again - I hope that I won't always meet it with fear - fear that it will settle in and stay indefinitely - I feel like the lesson I may need to learn still - is that the good things will change and so will the bad - no matter how many times I have heard this...

neglect

2009-03-29T01:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if small, snippets of individual communication on facebook are enough to replace the blog for me. While I remember many nights of writing and crying - as I tried to make sense of my rapidly changing world - I don't find that those nights have decreased all that much. I think I only say that though - because tonight - was one of those nights. The loneliness settles on me like a cliched fog and I feel like there is no way I will ever find my way out of it. My rainy day people show up and help me try and find my way. But it is on these nights when I can see no good in myself - that it couldn't possibly exist - and that being alone is something I just need to get used to - that it will be my way of life. And then I try to talk myself into thinking that it will be ok - that not everyone finds love and happiness in their life time - why should I be guaranteed that? And then I tell myself that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and none of these thoughts would even matter... but then I am reminded that I am still recovering from a lot of tragedy and sadness. It will take time for the fog to dissipate and maybe tomorrow morning I will have faith that it might even think about going away. But for now - I am going to try and curl up in it like it is a plushy blanket - hoping that the hollow ache in my chest will be muffled by the fuzziness or at least when the harsh words I speak to myself come back like boomerangs - there is something to soften the blow. And I can hear Charles's words echo in my head - "well - maybe you are just an unhappy person" - like it is a death sentence - and on nights like tonight - I think it might as well be.

But I hope with the ever increasing sunshine and the requisite of needing to leave the house in order to attend classes - that I will find some inner strength - that will allow me to have a thinner outer wall.

Hugs in the hallway

2009-03-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

There are moments when I miss more than anything - the hug in the hallway that my mom and I used to share before I left.

I realize that she is gone and those times that I loved so much will not return again. And I am still working on acceptance - I am mostly there.

There are times when I can put things in the back of my mind - when I know it is time to cry - that I am so irritable and agitated -that everything has backed up on me - that I have not been able to process - make those fine adjustment in my world - and yet I don't cry. And then at the beginning of a pharmacology lecture or in the middle of a conversation with my sister - the tears start to well up - and I can feel the suffocation of my self criticism choking me. If I could just remember to be gentle with myself....

To dive or not to dive

2009-02-24T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about how I approach life - what my superstitions are, how I read into things when they may or may not be there.

For the majority of last year, I wore these earrings that my aunt had given my mom for her last Christmas. Those earrings and my mom's necklace - I didn't take off for a year. While the necklace remains, I took some other earrings out for a test drive for a few months. Then last month - in need of some stability amidst a trying time - I put the earrings back on again. While I am testing out my good mood - I feel like I still need something to ground me. I am afraid without them - I can be a bit of a lightning rod. Slowly - I start to process the days of my first winter break of pharmacy school - putting together the slide show, waiting, absorbing like a sponge and never able to wring myself out later. But forgiveness is complete. Now there is only the deep, aching sorrow to contend with. And I look down at my hands and I am thankful that I got her feet instead. Things just change so fast.

There are various situations that I find myself faced with now. My actions range from dipping my toe in the water to taking a swan dive into the pool. When at my best - the swan dive is always the best way to go. It has landed me with some bumps on my head - but has also landed me in school. Sometimes I enter the water safely - sometimes it is belly flop. If I dip my toe in the pool - then I can easily take it back out - whereas if I leap from high above - there is no changing my mind once I have left the platform.

And through it all - I must remember to let go. To not have regrets. But to keep wearing the earrings...

Craigslist dating revisited

2009-02-17T08:05:00.000-08:00

I really am not looking for a partner on Craigslist. While I have found several lovely people on there before - I think I might be done with that form of dating. Of course - that may change - but for now - I just use the site as a diversion from studying pharmaceutical chemistry. (My second midterm is tomorrow.)

Excerpts from the world of Craigslist dating

2009-02-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

First - I want to make it clear that I no longer have an interest in dating. However, possibly out of boredom or just morbid curiosity - I just can't help but read through the Craigslist ads - it doesn't take me very long before I run across the ads like the following - and then I try and decide if I should laugh or cry...

1) "The Bachelor" 32 Oakland
"I am 6'2" tall, very handsome, make six figures, great kisser, listener, man, father-to-be & %100 ready to have kids. The catch? I get stir crazy in monogamous relationships. It's true, I feel suffocated right away and it doesn't help that beautiful women are giving me the look all the time, so I find myself avoiding relationships of substance...

I really want a family though, I just need the space, permission, whatever, to explore when the mood is right. Never in our home, never disrespectfully, always safely and of course you can do whatever you want too, same rules apply.

This is possible. If you are:

* Ready for a family * Not an Pisces * Under 30 * Look great in heels * Have a career * Consider yourself very hot

Then write me."

Um - no thanks.

2)
"I'm broke and about to be homeless, it's impossible to shut me up, and I don't make the slightest bit of sense, ever. I'm not remotely interested in money or the pursuit of money, it would be sadistic for me to bring progeny into the world, I am a miserable, depressed failure in many ways, and lo, I fail at most everything I do. My luck is terrible, I can't keep a job for the life of me, and I am perfectly content sleeping in a van and pursuing my creative passions, which will never pay the bills. I am good-looking, but probably am bordering on lung cancer at this point and have no interest in quitting smoking.

I have a terrible diet and am not remotely interested in eating healthy at all times or anything resembling regular exercise. I will probably attempt to talk you out of doing anything remotely painful for personal gain, as I see everything as futile anyway, and true happiness in life comes from love anyway, not driving yourself crazy trying to keep up with this or that. I have no ambition, it goes without saying, beyond my love for creative outlets which will never pay my bills. I drink frequently sometimes, and become extremely loud and hard to deal with.

Most women I meet when I'm actively looking tend to be extremely boring and make far too much logical sense. On the other hand, when I just stumble across someone who is perfectly right, she invariably is either unavailable or goes with someone else anyway. I am, on the other hand, very good at miserably prostrating myself for years on end waiting for those all-too-rare special someones to become available - it helps if your relationship is utterly terrible and you're obsessed with making it work better - and after I save your relationship and you tell me to leave you alone, you will never hear from me again, and will not have to worry about what I'm all doing.

Even better, if you simply choose someone else instead of me, there are no worries about me turning into a huge snot overnight. It'll probably make us better friends, if only because I'll suddenly be less afraid to pick on you, hugfully - which I do a lot of anyway, because I have the personality of a cold fish and fight it with the spontaneous cheer I'm otherwise lacking in. Nothing makes me happy, except for all the things that prove that hope is usually false. I sound like a real catch, don't I?

I have 99th percentile "intelligence", and not only does it serve me no useful purpose, it makes me extremely hard to figure out sometimes - and to make things worse, it is my artistic and philosophical depth which are my strong suits - most things I say can reduce someone's brain to confusion by virtue of their terrible lives getting in the way of talking to me. I like to make people laugh, but really, I'm just a curiosity who's spent way too much time on a junk heap.

My car is a big lemon which is about to fall apart completely, so don't expect me to pick you up for the dates you wouldn't agree to anyway. I like sitting around and having exceedingly pleasant conversation, which is the perfect opportunity for you to grow the ol' devil horns and just be amused by me while I pretend you actually care about me, emotionally. I have no useless fights to fight anymore, and have always seen most of them as useless anyway - I am a very weak person, and will simply turn the other cheek hundreds and hundreds of times because my upbringing was silly. Trying to incite me to stand up for you or myself is counterproductive, as it just makes me emotionally weird.

So what do you say? Are you my mother? If so, I've got a great coat hanger for your purposes... I'm not looking for a mother figure anyway. Perhaps more like a babysitter figure who speaks spontaneous poetry here and there, and everything she says pleasantly grazes my brain, although if you're like most people who get it right, I'll naturally just be imagining all the wonderful depth I see in what you have to say.

So, even if I am a completely futile person, and have nothing to offer future generations, let alone you or myself, take comfort in what a nice ("guileless") person I'm usually told I am. Oh, am I ever gullible, especially when it comes to women. I fight it by carrying this intense natural suspicion of people. Well, I'd better shut up before you start to wonder what I'm looking for. I only ever find it rarely, and probably won't this time either. Be merry, for tomorrow we, thankfully, drop dead. "

So that is what the dating world has to offer. There are others of course - people that write things like "looking for that one great women" or others that post 8 ads all with different titles and pictures - I guess just trying all possible angles? But perusing these ads are good - they remind me to not go back to dating - for a long time....

Getting my brain back

2009-02-14T22:57:00.000-08:00

For the first time in months, I sat down to take a midterm and felt like I knew the material. I even was able to think through a simple issue about weight and change some incorrect calculations into more accurate answers. It was refreshing to walk out of a test and know that I did well. I have struggled a lot these last few months. I had medication issues that were making me not only lose large sums of weight but also prevented my brain from functioning. While the weight hasn't changed - it has been nice to start to feel like I can recall information again. 3 months ago - even 3 minutes after a test, I would not have been able to regurgitate anything post test.

Understanding the biopharmaceutics aspect of pharmacy has helped solidify my feelings regarding clinical pharmacy - it is where I belong. I have great respect for those that have a calling to the community pharmacy - they will be the people most likely filling in the gaps of the diminishing population of primary care physicians.

So starting off my midterms with an F and heading into the B and A range again - has been the boost in confidence that I have needed.

As I continue to suffer with my confidence in other areas - it is nice to know that at least some of it is coming back.

2009-02-12T07:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you.

Insomnia

2009-02-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

My old friend.

I haven't had anything to help me sleep in two nights now. This has resulted in four hours of sleep for the last 2 nights. I am trying to embrace it. Don't fall asleep until 1am and am wide awake at 5am - and I still get up 1-2 times in that time-frame. I wouldn't think much about it but my brain function declines as a function of my lack of sleep and I get really cold.

School has been a struggle but I am hopeful as my focus slowly returns - and I start spending more time studying. After this quarter, as my extra duties start to fall away - I will be able to focus even more on school and learning the information that I need to know and understand.

I was accepted into the Health Policy and Management Pathway as of yesterday. I am excited about doing a research project on my own and working more closely with the esteemed faculty of my school. I had a few moments of cold feet - "maybe it is too much" but I am settling into my project ideas. I am going to do my best to not let this rather large undertaking be intimidating. I have my phone interview with Johns-Hopkins on Wednesday. That also has me a little psyched out - I am trying to adjust to living outside of my comfort zone though.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

A little more space

2009-02-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

Charles is in the process of moving out still. We have found that we can be good friends. It is a relief because I don't feel like I am losing him the same way that I lost my mom - that we can still call each other and check in. I am starting to learn more and more about what getting older means and it makes me constantly remember adults telling me to slow down while I was growing up. I always wanted to be older - thought that when I just got a little bit older, I would be able to do this or able to do that... the irony is that the older I have gotten, the less I have wanted to do all the things I wanted to get older for...

The extra space feels a little more liberating but I wonder what it will be like to be alone again.

But I am reminded to let it all go. I have no control over anything and the more I remember that - the easier things are. I am taking steps to push myself outside of my comfort zone though. I have finished the application process for the Johns-Hopkins Pharmacy Summer Internship Program and will be participating in my phone interview on February 11. It is very exciting and scary all at the same time. My biggest worry has been my cats if I get the internship. But Charles said he would be willing to help me out. I think I am trying to not think too much about it because I don't want to get my hopes up - nor think about the prospect of a hot, humid, East Coast summer.

Friday found me struggling with life - sadness, loneliness, all the fears that come with having to trudge forward. I spent time with my sister and nieces and then talked to my dad. As I sobbed on the phone with him telling him about how tired I was and that I just don't have the energy to keep going - he reminded me about how fragile and precious life is....I said that I wish I was as strong as my mom and he reminded me that the strength she had at the end of her life was the culmination of a lifelong journey - that she struggled with the same feelings when she was my age. And I softened the blows I deal to myself. I expect so much and after biting it on my first pharm chem midterm - I was merciless. Remembering to be gentle with myself - the lesson I must focus on now - in order to heal.

I tend to find that the more I focus on being a good friend, the better I feel about myself. After torturing Justine with pharmacology all day, I felt like we are both better prepared for this upcoming Wednesday's midterm. I forgot how much I liked studying with people. And I find myself back in touch with an old friend who is doing Army training in Germany. I am trying to think about what to put into a care package and am falling short on ideas.... Any suggestions?

Gentle nudges

2009-01-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

I have received a few nudges the last few weeks to get back on the blog again.

The events of the last month - Charles and I separating, him moving out this Sunday, my brief foray back into dating have just seemed like something I didn't want to share because of how it would affect Charles. I know that we will be friends - but everything has changed.

I joined eHarmony in an attempt to find the love of my life - and I am quickly giving up on that - which is telling me that maybe it is my impatience that impedes my ability to fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after like many other people in my life. I don't think that my negative self image has been helped by the cold I got a week ago. But no one on eHarmony writes to me - and then I worry that I am ugly, not good enough and I arrive once again at the thought that maybe it is these very thoughts that prevent me from finding someone that feels the same way about me as I do about them. I hate dating.

I feel plagued by self doubt. And I just wish that I could let go - let go of who I think everyone else wants me to be. So as usual, I will put my deepest thoughts and insecurities on display via this blog - my dear diary to my closest friends and family members - and hope that by "owning" these feelings that I can work through my demons.

In remembrance

2009-01-09T15:06:00.000-08:00

I started off the morning hyperventilating. Got myself calmed down and eventually made my way to school - stopping briefly in my mind - here and there - to revisit memories of a year ago today. So painful. I called my brother - left a voicemail - telling him I love him.

I got to school - sat in the room where we were in class the day I got the news. Thank god they remodeled it. And I started to cry again. Tried to get myself together. Tried to graciously accept hugs from people. So thankful that they offer them so freely. They understood. I didn't have to explain. They gave me an out - you can go home - we will take notes - "no, can't be behind again for another quarter."

Took the best notes I could - which were good. Able to focus despite everything...once I calmed down.

Then I wanted to make an appointment to give platelets. Ended up giving blood today as well. Set to give platelets every friday for the rest of the quarter with my friend Danielle. I think I have given blood before in commemoration of my mom's passing. Helping others who need help.

I am spending the rest of the day with my sister and her girls. One of the most therapeutic things we could do. very healing.

This is slowly killing me

2009-01-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

He is going. There is no turning back. I am officially letting him go the same week as I lost my mother a year ago.

He is still looking for a place. Tries to comfort me when I am upset and is simultaneously one of the reasons as to why I am so upset.

I think I honestly told myself that we would have one more chance. That this next time we would get it right. Kept pounding away at our relationship with the charge paddles, still waiting for some sign of new life to spark back up again. That leaving the body - from a distance - the soul would look down and think - I don't want to leave - not just yet - and then it returns like something out of a movie - new life - apologies - it will never be the same again - relief.

Reality is that there is no relief. Just two people who have given up - one trying to pretend that everything is fine until the day when there is a final and complete separation - and the other one who has now learned better to keep getting close - only to be reminded that it will be taken away soon. I wish I had more to look forward to than just an increase in closet space. I can make jokes in public - but it just doesn't seem very fun now. Together and alone in the same room.

Hope Fades Away

2009-01-05T20:33:00.000-08:00

At what point do you give up on hope? Do you just keep believing in a miracle or is there some sense of reality that must eventually settle down around the situation?

There must be a moment when someone walks in and says, "We have done all that we can. Nothing we have used to try and fix the problem is working anymore. Love and hope are just not enough. You should make sure all of your affairs are in order and be prepared to just watch it all die away."

things change

2009-01-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

Maybe I was a little too forceful in my "bring it!" attitude because life "brought it."

Charles and I have decided that we don't bring out the best in each other and he is looking for a new place to live. Ultimately, I know we will be friends and that this is what needed to happen. I had thought that our New Year's Eve together was a symbol of a new beginning. I was wrong. It ended up being the finale.

The idea of coming home to an empty house every day does not thrill me and I worry that in the absence of taking care of him, I might stop taking care of myself. Then I remember the January when I quit smoking and drinking cold turkey, started exercising regularly and lost some weight. I did that while living alone - I think I should be able to do a repeat performance. (not that I have started any of those things again - but you know what I mean.)

At 33, people stop telling me how "young I am." And I am back to feeling that maybe getting married and having kids just isn't on the table for me this lifetime. Maybe being single but doing other great things is in store. However, I fear that I will regret not having those things as I get older. Will kidnapping my nieces every other weekend satisfy my need to spend time with children I am related to?

The thought of dating again is horrifying. So I won't think about it.

Maybe my place will turn into the "study haven" of the east bay - but I would definitely need to find a different name for it.

Lessons learned.

2009-01-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

This last year has been difficult for many. 2008 had this feeling of depression, hopelessness, dread. Last night people had extreme joy that 2009 had finally arrived after what seemed like years. I practically cried - thankful that I could put some literal and figurative time between me and the events of the last 18 months.

Through intense emotional work, I have learned a lot throughout. I think about how painful personal growth is and yet how much better I feel about myself on the other side it. Forgiveness is a freeing and powerful thing.

I learned how to sit with emotions that sting my eyes and singe my soul - each time with the same strength, but familiar with the feeling now. I know that exercising lets me break down enough of my walls that I can burn 300 calories in 30minutes and then come home and cry for 15. And that when I don't do this - insomnia will haunt me when darkness comes.

I learned how to let people sit with me while I cried. And then I let them take me home when I couldn't take care of myself anymore - too busy drowning in my sadness and figuring out how to stay alive in my new world. I haven't written much the last month because I was finally settling into acceptance. Understanding and accepting that taking me instead - would not - bring her back. And that if I am going to be sticking around for awhile, I should make the best of my time and capabilities. While the break from the world was necessary, it is time to get back into the game. And I am ready.

I learned how to let my mom sit with me - here, now - close to me. And I have learned that she continues to help me. This last quarter I didn't go to class about 1/3 of the time. Needed to cry, stay in bed instead. I know that I need to be in class to do well - part of my learning style. My grades fell. No A's this quarter. I was letting the golden opportunity of UCSF Pharmacy School start to pass me by. The day after I got a D on my physiology midterm, a classmate asked me to take notes for them. That would require that I start coming to class - every day, every lecture. Coming to class to help someone out - this I can do easily, doing it for myself - not so much. I took this as divine intervention.

I learned that my mom and me forgiving each other 7 years ago was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I hope to continue to apply that forgiveness to others and myself throughout the rest of my life.

And I have learned that I will continue to cry and feel sad, but that it doesn't prevent me from being happy either. I can be both - and must be.

But after finally passing my pharmacy calculations class - it is time to move on - new start.

Game on....

Seeing her briefly

2008-11-23T06:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't been feeling very connected to my mom directly. I know she speaks to me through unconventional channels, but sometimes I just want to see her.

So I did last night. I dreamt that she had been alive this whole year and I was living in a dream. But by the time I re-connected with her again, she was afraid she was going to die soon. The one quote I remember is, "I could die within the next 4-6 hours," and she started to cry. I remember going to my stepfather's previous work location and his daughter was there. I told them how upset mom had been. I can't quite remember their reaction, but it wasn't one of action.

I remember then going around trying to figure out a way to save her again - talking with doctors, researching experimental treatments, etc. And then I woke up. Nothing had changed.

I took this as my sign that maybe in the midst of this deepening winter, that I should go visit her this morning. Bring some more artificial orange roses. Touch the cold stone with the engraving of her name, and see if I can talk with her for awhile.

Totally caught offguard

2008-11-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

I woke this morning to double check that I passed my last pharmaceutical calculations quiz. I had compared notes with another student, and against the answer key. I thought I might have gotten one or two points off, but never expected an 87; 90% is the passing requirement for each quiz. So at the end of three quizzes, I have an overall score of 96% and am looking at studying for a 5th final. Disappointed would be an understatement.

These particular quizzes have been a representation for me of something that I just can't get passed. This was the only class I couldn't pass last year. After building up some confidence over the first two quizzes of this year, I was feeling ok - like I was going to get through it finally. And then I manage to screw myself up with an 87. My confidence has fallen and I feel doomed. I worry that I am in a Twilight Zone episode where I need to take Pharmacy calculation quizzes for the rest of my life.

The rest of the day was bad as I am starting to feel some acute pain while dealing with my memories. I have managed to cry three separate times today, each time hoping I could put off the pain for a while.

I finally calmed down after a day of tumult to check my physio grade. This was another test that I walked out of feeling confident. I had read the entire syllabus, felt like I understood the material. Once again, I was incorrect. I got the lowest score of my college career, denial is covering up the devastation.

What is wrong with me?

A year ago today

2008-11-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

A year ago today I was tired. Held my mom's hand the day before and told her, "I will support whatever you want to do - if you are tired, I understand - but if you still want to fight, just a little while longer, then I will fight with you." She decided to fight, on an empty stomach. Spent most of my evening with my mom and Jim at Walnut Creek Kaiser. Making a last ditch effort to buy just a few more weeks of life. Trying to give her nourishment after starving - getting her on TPN.

A year ago today I was meeting someone with expertise on TPN. Asking for information on it - what it could do. Him telling me that TPN wasn't the right decision, would only make tumors grow faster, maybe D5W would be better. Wouldn't be able to get her home on hospice.

A year ago today, I started regretting myself. Rationally - it was the right thing to do - let her see Christmas. But something clicked, made the wrong decision, critical of myself to the breaking point - made the wrong decision. Feel irrational while thinking rationally.

A year ago today, everything sped up - school, illness, sadness.

Election Day

2008-11-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was at my mom's house in 2004 listening to a new voice at the DNC. She had read his books - was impressed by "The Audacity of Hope," and "Dreams of my Father." She was excited about him - with his words about change and unity.

She also loved election day. She was an election officer in the neighborhood - sitting in the garage of a long time friend - saying hi to the people she had lived near for over 30 years.

And I think today - of all days - she would have loved to see. I think she might have renewed hope in our country, which elected a man who she found inspirational.

In all of the milestones being reached this year - I can say that this was a day when I cried out of joy - and not sadness.

Comfort

2008-10-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight was difficult. Charles fell asleep at 6. I toodled around for awhile and then wondered what I was doing at this time last year. I went back a year in the blog and worked my way to the end of November. I started to sob. Let the pain get close but push it away before it becomes debilitating. I was biting my lower lip off and went into the bedroom to get some lip balm. Charles woke up and asked if I was okay. I said I was just having a sad moment and I plopped down on the bed and cuddled next to him. Sometimes the pain needs to come close enough so that it doesn't turn into anger. He hugged me, rubbed my back and I was able to calm down.

More Zoo Pics

2008-10-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

Waiting oh so patiently for the Little Puffer

Pictures from the Zoo

2008-10-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

On the Little Puffer Train.

Kaylie is braver at 5 than I think I am now. In her Snow Princess costume that we put on over her clothes - she ran right up to this group and jumped, danced, sang and even introduced herself to the teacher after wards.

My turn to be brave. Kaylie and I cuddling on the Carousel. She was very timid at first and we had to talk her into it. After the first ride - she felt more confident and wanted to try riding on one of the non-moving horses - I told her it was something we could look forward to next time...
Serenity and Charles were happy as two peas in a pod.

Procastination / At the Zoo

2008-10-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

I guess I can always tell by my blog entries when midterms are. I find blogging to be a great way to procrastinate - and my immuno midterm is tomorrow. The good news is that I understand the adaptive immune system better than I have before - the bad news is that I am still piecing it together. I feel like I understand the material. This is true for most of my classes eventhough my grades do not accurately reflect my level of understanding.

My brain is not as young as it used to be - memory retention is a bit more of an uphill struggle. But at the same time - maybe I have more prior knowledge to draw on because of it?

From time to time, I feel envious of all my friends that are doing better than me in school - but my envy only shows up on rare occasion. I am always proud of them for working so hard. I think that I am proud of the fact that I am learning this material and packing it away into long term memory instead of doing what I did last year which was learn for the short-term and have nothing to draw on later. I actively try to synthesize info from all of our classes - and UCSF has made that particularly easy. The classes are synched up for the most part. Learn about corticosteroids in physiology - then learn about corticosteroid pathways in pharm chem and application in pharmacology and then they peek in a little bit later with immunology.

I can also tell during my procrastination that I am writing for the sake of writing....

Until I think about the meaningful things I did this last weekend.

Charles and I took my nieces to the San Francisco Zoo and then to Ocean Beach. We had a good time and the girls were so good. Charles and I also got to experience a different side of each other. I reared my over-protective head and thought too much about stuff and Charles let them do something they wanted to do - which I wouldn't let them. Play in the water. I sat on the beach blanket anxiously watching every move making sure that Charles was keeping an eye on both of them. And while they both went down in the shallow surf one time apiece - I think that might have been one of the higlights of the day. Kaylie brought it up several times - Charles - remember when we were in the water? That was so much fun.... I think two years ago I might take that personally but I felt like she was letting me know that I could ease up a little bit. Charles told me on our way home that he was watching them closely the entire time (making sure they wouldn't flow out to sea) and I thought that maybe I should ease up a little bit on him too. Benefit of the doubt is sometimes difficult to execute - requires so much trust and hopeful fulfillment of expectations - so easy to be let down....but I am trying to give it to him more. So fragile I feel - vulnerable - but maybe this is when I will learn the most. But as my sister and I keep saying...."I am tired of all of this personal growth" but it keeps coming in waves - and we need to keep running back up the beach.

Middle of Midterms, Round 1

2008-10-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

After tanking on my BPS midterm, I was feeling very unconfident that I would be successful in school this year. After taking my Physiology midterm on Monday - I feel like maybe I got a B. For today's midterms - Pharmacology and Pharmaceutical Chemistry - I feel ok about them. I spent 8 hours yesterday studying for them - and didn't psyche myself out - surprisingly. I dreamt about omeprazole and whether or not I would be able to draw the mechanism of action on the H+/K+/ ATPase pump between the canaliculi and inside of the parietal cell in the stomach. That was followed by waking up to wondering what the heck FRAP was - but then looked it up and said - of course it is part of the pathway on T cells that blocks the transcription factors responsible for moving the cell from G1 to S in the cell cycle. And I try and remember those moments now as I fear that I will not be able to retain the information for the next 4.5 hours.

But I am trying to not be my own worst enemy - as I have slipped into a bad spell - two week's worth of horrible sleep, time moving forward on more upcoming milestones - and the reflective process that aches - but that I must do so that my heart doesn't completely wither away. Things still come along to remind me that I am not alone - communication from my sister and father - people that I can talk to about mom - I need that. I need to remember the things that used to make me laugh - my mom would be frustrated with me for being home and not cleaning up after myself - going on and on in a terse voice (much like I do now with Charles - who is trying...) and then the phone would ring and she would answer in a sweet voice - "Hellooo." I wonder if this affected my ability in the classroom to switch back and forth from nice and understanding to evil eye mode.

I am trying to replace the memories of last year with the deeper memories of what it means to have a mom that cared about her kids so much and tried to survive her own life at the same time.

So while I feel like I am stuck in quick sand - I am trying to use the time to be pensive since I don't seem to be going anywhere.

It was there

2008-10-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

Charles and I headed to Queen of Heaven before 10 this morning. After a brief argument about nothing, I got out of the car as we pulled up next to the site. Charles stayed in the car for a few minutes. I am sure that we were both on edge anticipating what sort of a reaction I would have regardless to if the engraving was there or the stone still blank.

I walked up to the 5 foot tall, polygonal monument that has a miniature version of the Pieta on top of it. I saw Susie's name and on the panel a short distance away - it was there.

BARBARA S. LIVINGSTONE
1944-2008

And suddenly it was true, she is gone. I cried for a long time sitting on a cold bench stuck in the shadow of the monument - but sitting next to her. Charles came and sat next to me quietly and just rubbed my back.

There was no tiny vase for me to put my synthetic, orange roses in - so I separated it into two pieces and placed them where the grout should have been between the engraved stones. When I put them in and then touched the indentation in the stone formed by her name - the tears came faster. I sat back down again and then the sun rose above the Pieta and I could feel the warm sunshine. I said, " I want to believe my mom is bringing me sunshine." Charles replied with something like, "I know she is." I continued to cry and share some of my stories with Charles, trying to work through some of my feelings from last year. Still very painful, but I was able to sit with them, and in an apt location.

I miss her. I love her.

I dread the holidays without her.

I knew it was time to go when the crying stopped and I was calm.

Frankenkitty

2008-10-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

Hobbers, aka Franken-kitty, got his stainless steel stitches out today. Poor thing was sleeping happily in a patch of sunshine when I quickly scooped him up. He knew instantly where he was headed (since I never bother him while he is sleeping) and made the most pathetic meows. I dumped him into the cat carrier - which he hates and we made the long trek to the Outer Sunset.

Thinking about the effects this has had on Charles - it was easy to smile about those moments now. When we originally dropped Hobbes off for his surgery - Charles kept repeating that we should be able to take him home after the surgery - that Hobbes shouldn't stay there because someone wasn't there 24 hours/day - that we could take better care of him - that Hobbes would be lonely in the cage....I finally convinced Charles that Hobbes would be passed out and he would be fine, but it took some time...

I rubbed his head while the Vet removed his stitches and he (Franken-kitty) was such a good boy. I mentioned he was 14 years old and the Vet was surprised. My brother was also surprised that I had surgery done on my 14 year old cat. But I was confident in the fact that besides a malignant tumor - he was completely healthy and that he will be around for quite some more time. As soon as the stitches were out, Hobbes went quickly back into the cat carrier. This caught me totally off guard - he never WANTS to go into the cage - but at least he knew we were going home together.

He was still holding a grudge on the way home as he sat with his rear-end to me and was silent. I am sure that he thought his silence would offend me but it was wonderful! A meow every two seconds for 40 minutes can drive a person a little crazy.

Now he can keep healing and we can keep hoping for the best.

Hands reaching out

2008-10-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

The last two days, I have come home from school early. Yesterday, I slept for 2 hours and took the day off from studying. Today, I am missing immunology again, but feel ok about that class.

I haven't been feeling well emotionally but have tried to hide it well at school, sometimes even with success. I actually look much more fashionable now than I think I have ever been before in my life - which helps with the facade. This week has been particularly difficult and felt like something was different now than from last week.

But that was the same time that I started getting help. Earlier in the week, I got to talk with Barb. Yesterday, a nurse practitioner who had been helping me during the summer called to check up on me. I got to talk with Hidie last night. I have run into friends at school when I really just needed someone to hang out with. And this afternoon, when I was supposed to be in physiology, my Dad called. He basically apologized for being - just like me. Sadness comes in the form of retreat. Mania sets in to keep busy until there is no longer steam. Not sleeping well. Biting the lower lip, grinding teeth. I told him I had already started chipping my front teeth off.

And we talked. And we told each other that we are going through the same thing. We shared some of our experiences from the last year and I was glad to hear from him. Able to hear from one more person, how much they missed my mom too. I told him I was lucky that she loved me so much and he said he was too. Sometimes I forget how much I am like both of them.

I needed that.

I needed to talk with friends and my Dad. Many times last year, I felt like I needed to be picked up - that I was a deboned, mess of emotional goo on the floor. Now, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be - doing a lot of emotional work - and not feeling like someone is picking me up - but rather we are just standing together in the same place, keeping each other company through whatever difficult times we are currently facing. I need to experience the events from last year, privately, thoughtfully, and to learn to sit with the pain a little and not turn it into beating myself up - something that is much more second nature for me.

I needed the nurse to check up on me - make sure I was ok. I decided to see the nurse practitioner to get some advice on my unwillingness - well, that isn't the right word, maybe.... inability - to eat. One meal a day and a few protein bars just isn't going to cut it in the long run.

And I decided to stop worrying about losing most of my retirement savings. It is gone for now. I was lucky to have it in the first place and maybe someday it will come back - but there is nothing I can do about it one way or the other as long as I don't have the energy to lead an uprising.

Too late to study, too early for class

2008-10-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

So I might as well blog.

I try to rarely think about my younger days, but there are a few things that keep coming back to me. The first thing is my senior year of high school. I remember dating Nima. I remember having a chronic strep throat infection (which would later result in a tonsillectomy). I remember not really being at high school. For about 25-30 legitimate days, I was out due to various reoccurences of strep. The other days, I think I skipped at least one class a day. I remember being called to "the office" and was unsure if it was for something good or if they were signing me up for a cutting contract. I had always figured that if I was getting a 4.0, that no one would really care if I was in class or not. I remember my mom standing up for me against the vice principal because she kept getting these phone calls on the answering machine that "your son and/or daughter were absent from school one or more class periods..." Typically I could get home early enough to erase the message. One time though my mom heard it. I told her that most of my teachers didn't know who I was (which was true - my economics teacher used to mark me absent when I was actually there) and she called the office and somehow got in this verbal argument with the VP. "My daughter told me she was there and I believe her!" I never had the heart to tell her I had cut that day. Somethings I did eventually fess up to but never that one. She had believed in me, stood up for me, and as far as she was concerned didn't need to be disappointed by the truth.

During my many days of being sick with a 102 fever and a sore throat that hurt like hell - I could normally tell right before I was about to get sick. Something simple would just send me over the edge. My sister and I both had blue, old toyota corollas at the same time. Hers was an automatic and newer - mine was a manual, with little to no paint left and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. They both - when the trunk was unlocked, opened by just turning the knob. My car was always messy - no surprise to those who know me now - and the trunk filled with crap, which included my schoolwork. One October night, I ran out to my car (I ran because I was so afraid of the dark and of something bad happening to me - oddly enough that feeling held true for inside the house also) opened the trunk, looked inside and there was nothing there. I immediately came back inside the house and started sobbing hysterically, my mom asking what was wrong, and me saying, "someone stole everything from the the trunk of my car!" I can't remember which one of us figured out that I looked in the trunk of my sister's car - but frieking out over the smallest of things usually meant that my fever was going to hit within 12-24 hours. Sometimes I dreaded it when the sore throats went away, because that also a precursor to a fever.

I am not quite sure why I have thought of that so much. Maybe because it is October, maybe it is because I feel almost as run down as I did then. My weight continues to drop, the size 10 pants I bought a month ago are now too big and I got two pairs of size 8 pants last week - size 8 for the first time since high school. If I felt healthier - I would be ecstatic about the weight loss but I feel tired most of the time. And it hasn't been enough of a weight drop in a specific amount of time to be concerned about a health issue. But then I realized this morning that my weight seems to be closely following the economic downturn....huh.

Milestones

2008-10-07T05:14:00.001-07:00

This upcoming Sunday will mark the one year anniversary of the White Coat Ceremony. I plan on just studying that day. That is the last day I remember being out with my mom in public when we weren't in a hospital. I remember trying to make plans so that she was as comfortable at the ceremony as possible. I sneaked her in through the lowest door of Cole Hall and had her seated before everyone else came in. She would not have been able to handle the chaos that was the pre-ceremony craziness. Of course everyone was excited and I am glad that they had a good time, I guess I just saw the ceremony in a more somber light - filtering out the jubilation but still appreciating the moment. When we turned around to look at the audience and take our Oath, tears welled up in my eyes. I knew this was the last thing she would be able to attend at UCSF and that she would not see me graduate.

Christmas caught me by surprise on Saturday. Charles and I went to Target to do a little shopping. We split up for awhile as he went to go look for hangers and I looked at all the little Halloween outfits they had. I was looking through the aisles of Halloween costumes and then turned the corner. There they were, Christmas cards. I started looking at the boxes and then suddenly felt overwhelmed by sadness. I was the only one in that aisle and so I quietly let the tears roll down my face. Charles found me and asked what was wrong - and then gave me a big hug - just what I needed.

As I look at all of these things as an observer now, I am able to touch on the surface of how much pain I was in last year. And I am able to see what everyone else was feeling also. I wasn't really able to do that very well last year. The hours of sobbing aren't as common now but the quiet tears rolling down my face are.

Attempting to stay positive

2008-10-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

in an increasingly more negative time.

I had my first midterm today and I sucked. I got a C on something that I felt like I understood - but I have a sneaking suspicion that I did not read one of the questions correctly or thoroughly. That sucks - but I am going to hunker down and get ready for considerably more difficult midterms next week.

My crappy grade further confirms that I need to stop working during the school year. So far, I think my last day is November 4, but I have no idea. I am trying to study everyday and spend most of my time in front of my notes. Charles keeps asking, "You still need to study?" Yes, honey - I do. Working on two projects, getting ready for my Health Policy and Management research project and thoroughly understanding all the intricate aspects of Physiology, Pharmacology, Pharm Chem, Pharmacokinetics and Immunology.... All of my classmates have the same crazy schedule as I do. So at least we can all understand the pressure we are under.

I am also trying to stay calm as I watch most of the money I put away for retirement slowly disappear. I keep telling myself, "I am young, the stock market will eventually recover, right?"
I also wonder what will happen with the bank that controls both my mortgage and my financial aid. Who will buy it? Will I have still have a bank that will give me financial aid, so that I can turn around and pay it back to them with my mortgage payment? Hey, I might actually be a good asset for my bank - just one big circle.

So oil is $86/barrel - the only good thing about the economic crisis? Maybe we have just pushed one huge, worldwide "re-set button."

How much does it cost to take Muni and BART from school?

2008-09-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

$254.05

Breakdown:
$1.50 for the one -way MUNI ride
$2.55 for the one-way BART ride
$250 for a 10 second stop in a bus zone.

AC Transit may be a thing of the past for me. No more transbay bus.

If there had been a sign posted that said "NO STOPPING - $250 fine," then I would say - yes, I knew the risks and decided to try and cheat the system. When people drive in the carpool lane illegally, they know they are doing something wrong and the fine is posted (and by the way less money than the $250 fine levied against Charles and myself.) So then, why is it fair that AC transit with the help of the Sheriff's Department can give severe monetary consequences that are not already known? It makes me wonder what else I will get a ticket for - will I get $500 ticket for jaywalking if I am 6 inches out of a crosswalk? I guess my biggest outrage is that Oakland is experiencing some severe issues right now. At the end of September - they have surpassed their 2007 homicide rate by 2 people already. So the Sheriff's Dept is going after the real perpetrators instead - 10 second bus zone stoppers. They must think it is some sort of gateway crime. "First they briefly stop in a bus zone, then next thing you know they are international weapons dealers."

So way to go AC Transit! By issuing a one time $250 ticket - you are going to lose the $750 a year I used to pay you. Jerks.

And I want to thank Patrick B from Oakland, who posted the following 5 star review on YELP on 12/3/2007.

Gee, I can't understand all the negative reviews about AC Transit. Ever since I first stepped on an AC Transit bus with squeaky brakes in high school, I was won over. Everything from the plastic seats to the sudden lurches, never ceased to amaze me. Not only that but I had the wonderful opportunity to take two buses thus doubling the pleasure, doubling the fun as you kids now a days say. :)

Just recently even, I made a small "donation" of $250 by parking in a bus zone after the buses had stopped running that night. Actually, it was $263 including the processing fee. Now the people who work at AC Transit can enjoy the use of my money to keep their great service alive.

I'll never forget the day when I was riding the bus from Kaiser in Oakland back home and just as the doors were about to slam shut, a wheelchair-bound passenger rolled up to the bus to which the bus driver (or operator, I can't remember) stated, in the most eloquent statement that I've heard all my life, "God damnit". That's right AC Transit, God damnit you are great!

Survivor

2008-09-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am using tonight's episode of Survivor in Gabon as an excuse to sit down and blog.

Classes have only been going on for 6 days and I feel overwhelmed. Once I can get at least one day off on the weekend, I think I will feel better. Alas, that day off will not be this weekend but I am going to try and ease up a little on all of the extra stuff for awhile. I am involved in two projects and at least for this quarter - that will be it. I plan on taking some electives though in Winter and Spring that will hopefully expand my horizons.

I feel better. Being back in school and helping other people and myself feels better. Eventhough I am tired, it is a good tired and I think in a little while, with the help of exercising, I might even be able to fall asleep on my own again.

I am trying to let go of little things and forgive myself for big things and making some progress.

Like today, I actually spoke in my Physiology class. It is a combined class with Physical Therapy students - who clearly hate the Pharmacy students. I mean we are a raucous group but we also outnumber them 3:1. We were talking about growth hormone deficiencies and the lecturer brought up a drug, Octreotide, that they used to use for GHD but stopped because of the GI side effects. I know this drug. Myself and my stepfather administered this drug to my mom in subcutaneous injections - and I have delivered it to the comfort care ward of the hospital I work at. So I raised my hand and said something like, "They actually use Octreotide now because of its side effects of decreasing gastrointestinal secretions due to a bowel obstruction and people that are terminally ill." Well I must have said it with some confidence (which is kind of a new thing for me and something I have been able to keep up about 75% of the time in the last 9 days) because I was told later by one of my pharmacy peeps that after I said that, a comment by one of the physical therapy students was "The pharmacy students act like THEY are the teacher."
I was kind of flabbergasted and almost felt ashamed at first that I had even said anything. I quickly recovered by saying "they are just jealous, because we could totally take them in a bar fight..." As the afternoon went on, I was able to actually see that this naysayer wasn't interested in learning something new from a fellow classmate, but felt she needed to put me down in order to feel better about herself and more self important. And I actually gave myself "the talk," what I must have repeated to my students at least 100 times - don't let other people make you feel bad... By no means do I plan on being cocky - that is not my thing, but to feel self-assured for the first time in a long time would be a much needed relief.

School is DEFINITELY back in session

2008-09-22T20:56:00.000-07:00

I know this because all of my free time is gone. This has made more efficient at planning my time though. I spent most of my weekend studying (and being sick with a cold). Charles's comment was - what can you be studying - you've only had two days of school. I replied with - but we have already had 6 lectures. He is seeing how much more I plan on studying this year and I think he might be a little bored. I find that our interactions lately are much better. If I spend more time entertaining myself and don't worry about whether he is entertained, I am not as reactive to his natural mood fluctuations.... less disappointment on my end. I feel fairly centered - eventhough I still make some big mistakes, but I am trying to be nice to myself about them. I still struggle with paranoia - that most of my classmates dislike me for some reason, but I am also working on that - either not caring if they do OR stop telling myself that they don't like me. I just have these crazy thoughts that if I am not perfect at every moment of every day that I have somehow failed myself and all those around me.

Frankenkitty is coming along. Today is his last day of pain meds - his last day of being stoned non-stop - where he just stares into space, non-responsive to any external stimuli... The stitches still look gruesome.

I am trying my best to exercise 5 times a week and am happy that I have developed some sort of tone in my arms. Still gots the flab hanging down where my triceps should be though. So I guess I am coming along too.

Hobbes is home

2008-09-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Hobbes went in for his surgery on Friday morning and Charles picked him up this morning. Charles told me that the vet felt very positive about the surgery - found an adjacent lump and removed that - and she was hopeful that we would buy some more time. This was reassuring as I let him out of the cat carrier to see a 6 inch incision down the side of his body reaching from his back down toward his stomach. The vet also said that it was good that he was a little on the heavier side - more place for the tumor to grow before metastasizing. I saw his incision and the place where the two sides of his body were held together by dissolving stitches layered under stainless steel stitches.

Many times today I would enter a room to see Charles laying on the floor under the dining table - keeping Hobbes company - or curled up in ball on the bedroom floor - keeping a close eye. I told him I was onto him - that I knew how much he loved our Hobbes.

So we airlifted him up and down from the bed, hand fed him kitty treats, and kept vigil to see if he was in pain or pulling at his stitches. There was more than one time that out of silence, Charles or I would say "that is gruesome to look at" or "what have we done?" To compensate for our uncomfortable reaction - we dubbed him "Frankenkitty." But he is up and moving around and still being incredibly loveable - being himself.

It's Official

2008-09-17T17:07:00.001-07:00

First a comment to Sara - Yes, indeed Sarah Palin scares the crap out of me even during the day.

1) The biopsy results for Hobbes came back today and he does have cancer. So we are going to do a Hail Mary surgery and hope for the best. Ultimate goal is to give him the best quality of life possible for our four-legged furry friend. I find that not thinking about it is the only way to deal.

2) School starts tomorrow. The wormhole opens and sucks us all in - speeding through the quarter at top speed - ala Bill and Ted in the excellent phone booth adventure - except we are all crammed into the phone booth.

3) Barb's strategy worked! The sunglasses paired with a more classic look. I traded the hoodie for a nice pair of slacks and my new 3/4 length oatmeal colored wool coat. I even put on a little make-up - enough that I might be able to keep it up beyond this week. I just pretended I was Jackie O or Grace Kelly. I got my hair trimmed this afternoon just to give me an extra confidence boost - similar to a protein shot in a smoothie.

4) The appetite is gone. I am lucky if I can force down 1500 calories a day. I am hoping that once school starts and info nights and electives are over - that I will calm down a little bit. But I weigh 140 pounds for the first time in probably 10 years - for the first time in my life - my driver's license says that I weigh more than what I actually do....

5) I have to finish cleaning. Charles is finally coming home tomorrow and I am very excited.

Things that keep me up at night

2008-09-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

1) Paris Hilton has another tv show

2) People are actually competing to be her new BFF

3) Stock Market downslide and a tanking dollar

4) The pro high fructose corn syrup commercials I am seeing brought to us by the Corn Refiners Association. I understand that they are upset that their product has gotten a bad rap for causing health issues - but there was a reason for that rep.

5) School is starting in 2 days - eek, excited? yes; nervous? yes; overwhelmed? un poquito

6) Getting everything done for the projects I am involved with and on time.

7) Hobbers

8) Feeling like I am free falling through life at a speed I cannot control

9) Whether or not I will finally pass pharmaceutical calculations this upcoming quarter

10) How to live life without letting things get to me

Hobbers

2008-09-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

Hobbes and I have been together for 14 years. He was with me going through the mess that were my twenties and watched me come out the other side. Often times I have referred to him as my longest relationship. I got Simone (my profile picture) to be his friend about 7 years ago when I was away from the house a lot. That worked out well as she grooms him and watches over him even when he doesn't want to be. The times that Hobbes got out in Fremont, and was gone for weeks at a time - she became so agitated that I didn't know what to do with her - but maybe she was feeling my fear that I would never see him again either. He and Simone always appeared at my side when I cried and have been my constant companions - loving me when I couldn't.

About two months ago, I felt a 2cm long cylindrical lump near Hobbes' left shoulder. We took him to a vet in Berkeley but were not comfortable with the speed or approach they took. While we did get labs done there - they only told us that he could have a tumor - but the test was inconclusive. Charles found a second opinion - a very highly reputable cats only veterinary clinic in San Francisco - a long ways out to drive to the outer sunset. But they are reasonably priced and Charles and I wanted the best for Hobbes. Two weeks ago, he went in for his first appointment - by then the lump had grown itself in length and numerous bumps were showing up on the surface of the lump. Last Friday - he went there for a biopsy. Dr. Korol was sure that without doing the biopsy, she knew what it was - and it wasn't good.

We went through our options
1) doing nothing - but I felt like I needed to fight somehow so that was out.
2) Just take the lump out and hope the best
3) Refer him to a surgery team that would aggressively go after the tumor.

She explained that if it was a fibrosarcoma - a rapidly growing spindle shaped tumor whose dendricles could invade the tissues around it - bone might need to be shaved off of his shoulder and potentially his ribs, with a relatively large amount of tissue removed around the area of the tumor.

If nothing else this last year, I have learned something about quality of life. My own selfishness of wanting him around longer is not worth it if the surgery causes a long and very painful recovery time. Since I had a difficult enough time seeing him with the stitches from just the biopsy, I don't think I could bare to see what would happen if option #3 was explored. Without consulting with Charles first, I told her we would not be interested in Option #3. I think I already knew that Charles and I were on the same page - having talked about a game plan before the biopsy and what we wanted for our beloved Hobbes.

So without receiving the results of the biopsy, I scheduled a lumpectomy for Friday - the second day of Fall Quarter. The surgery could give him an extra 18 months or maybe only an extra month - but I can't just watch him die in front of me without trying to do something. His loss will hit me hard but no matter what I have been lucky that he has loved me for the last 14 years.

Charles and Hobbes

2008-09-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Charles and Hobbes catnapping together.

Charles and Hobbes spent many hours laying in the sun together.

Shortly after Charles and I started dating, he and Hobbes formed a special attachment to each other. And while at home, those two are normally together.

Hobbes is obviously relaxed and Charles is smiling a truly happy smile.

Chihuly

2008-09-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Most of my classmates have posted their Chihuly pictures on facebook, so I decided to put up pictures from my perspective. I was more intrigued by the small delicate intricacies and how they played as shadows off the walls. It was one of the first places that Charles and I went on a date in a while that wasn't an "East Bay Regional Park" - not that there is anything wrong that.... It was a good place for us to just be together and be quiet and observe. We would come together and then go off exploring on our own - each taking turns with the camera. He got numerous pictures - in his pictures I saw people, the big picture, and focus. In my pictures I saw shadows, pieces of exhibits - sometimes just the tip of a glass sculpture, and beautiful colors indirectly glowing against walls. In this time while Charles and I are apart - it is valuable for me to make use of this time to take a step back and appreciate the differences between us and what we have to learn from each other - and for me to "be myself" - the good and the bad. But acceptance is still a ways off in the cards.

A Year of Wishes for My Daughter

2008-09-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

That is the phrase contained within a pink porcelain heart that hangs around the neck of an ivory porcelain vase. Inside the vase are 365 pink fortune cookie shaped pieces of paper with advice/quotes - love is a choice you make from moment to moment - memories are photo albums for the heart - like branches on a tree we grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one...and the lid to the vase contains a music box. I wind it up and hear the melody to "Have I told you lately that I love you?" A gift I needed now more than ever.

After 9 long months, Jim is just now starting to take down the scraps of paper on the message board above my mother's desk. Seeing her perfect handwriting is almost too hard to take. (I saw a medical record the other day that looked exactly like my mom's writing and I almost started crying.) And he found a box in the back room. The room that I spent my teenage years in is now filled with boxes of photographs - she always wanted to put them into albums - I tried my best but could barely make a dent in organizing the photos the last few summers. The discovered box had these vases for both me and my sister. I guess the words of wisdom I had always been searching for in the time when it wasn't about me but her struggle with end of her life - she gave us when she knew when we would be ready. This is the fantasy that I hold onto. In reality, it is possible she had these and was squirreling them away as Christmas gifts - or they could have been Christmas gifts from several years ago that had been buried and she forgot where to unearth them. But at the same time, this was a woman that started planning her own memorial service 6 years ago - it is possible that she thought about the future - the day that would come when Kathy and I would need to be able to touch and hear something that was meant specifically for us from our mom.

On Monday, I will go back to the house that I grew up in - where everytime I get out of my car - I feel a sonic boom of memories rush at me and the tears start to fall. I no longer hide the tears from Jim. He asks how I am doing and I say through tears that I am having a tough time moving forward and he replies, "I understand - it is very difficult." So he and I will donate some of her books to the library - the place where she would want them to be.

Eat, Sleep, Exercise, but not in that order

2008-09-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I feel like I am just grieving and the depression takes a bit of a back seat. With this knowledge, I can rationally make decisions that are relatively healthy while dealing within the parameters that my body seems to be setting. I am not hungry. Nothing sounds good to eat. That might actually be due to the fact that I only drink variations of water: Crystal geyser sparkling water with a small assortment of flavors (I remember hating that stuff as a kid), vitamin water due to the lower sugar content, and well - water water. It might have been my drive for sugar that also steered me in the direction of eating. So while I do not eat very much - the things I do eat are high in protein - in hopes of stabilizing my mood and giving me the things that I know my body can't take out of storage or make on its own.

I have also been trying to exercise. 30 minutes on the elliptical machine leaves me with 300 calories burned and a distance behind me of 2.75 miles. Running away while in place. Something I can be very good at - might as well do it physically. In addition, I have been lifting weights in hopes of giving some definition to my arms instead of just being two cylindrical blobs of fat surrounding my arm bones. I knew I had the basis for muscles hiding under the adipose tissue and can see them start to peak out a little. The inch long hanging hunk of flab where my triceps should be still just dangle there when I hold my arms out straight a la DaVinci's Vitruvian Man.
I am also hoping that the exercise will help my circulation take care of the bruises I accumulate 2 weeks out of every month. During this time of bruising, I look like I fell in a slow moving river full of leeches - the small ones attack my arms and the larger leeches attack my legs. I think I just walk into things mostly. I mean, I can see the doorway in front of me and I think, "I am much skinnier than the doorway - I should have no problem to fit myself through that space - I am much skinnier than a 3 foot wide door jamb." But I end up being wrong and either an arm or a knee gets sacrificed. In an attempt to hide the fact that I am the girl that actually walked into a door or fell down the stairs - I sometimes joke with Charles that I will just tell people he gave me the bruises. He never finds this funny. And I don't ever say that to anyone who would believe me.

My hopes are that exercising will help douse the fire keeps me up at night. Justine told me that in some traditions they think insomnia is due to the person having too much "fire" inside. I think the fire could be motivation, or energy, or anger. All I know is that I am running out of sleep aids and need to figure out how to fall asleep and stay asleep on my own.

Mojave

2008-09-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Charles is in the Mojave for a week. I think it is good for him to get out of the office every once in a while and be on site - but not too often.

While I think in some ways I am neater than he is, when he isn't here - I can really let things go for a day or two. Pairs of shoes scattered about the living room would make Charles cringe - so to save him the wrinkles - when he is around, shoes are always in their right place. He likes it when the kitchen counter is clear - with good reason, but my tendency is to walk int he door and plop everything in my arms onto the counter. Likewise - there are things that I care about - no wet towels on the bed (Charles's version of plopping everything down on the kitchen counter) and he couldn't load the dishwasher correctly to save his life. But it is in these small things, that I smile.

When he is here - I do my best to keep everything in place, but on the weekends - I find it hard to keep it together. Maybe there is too much unstructured time and that I do better within a given framework.

But I miss him. And while I can keep all the high salt foods I want in the house when he's gone - I am willing to sacrifice them again (or at least hide them very well) for when he returns.

Possible explanation for my absence

2008-09-08T23:09:00.001-07:00

I have amassed 432 intern hours this summer. I am tired. But relieved that I am almost at the halfway point.

I have discovered iTunes. But yet have no mp3 player. As a viable escape (at the good suggestion of Barb), I will get one soon. My iTunes playlist is filled with sad songs, similar to the mix tapes I used to make when I was a teenager. My friends at school are my friends and that won't change but my need to make small talk with people that I am not very familiar with will not be highlighted the next few months. And being plugged in is a good excuse. I can no longer pretend that everything is ok - and I can't spend my energy on making sure that strangers don't feel uncomfortable. My hope is that school will distract me. But I have my worries.

I spent much of last year feeling exposed and that I needed to be careful of everyone else's feelings. While I cried numerous times at school - I always felt like I needed to apologize for it. I know that is my own issue. I want to take care of everyone else except myself. And then I came home every night and collapsed in a pile of grief. Sometimes I am surprised that Charles has stuck it out with me and yet at the same time - when my sadness can subside - I know that he will be here. I have been difficult to understand. I don't understand myself very well right now. I know that I am just beginning a process. I used to cry deliriously. Now I cry with an aching sadness. I haven't accepted her passing. I find myself pleading with God to make her come back. I promise to be a better person. I will drive slower. I will give people the benefit of the doubt. I will not lose my temper. I will study more. I blame myself for her death. If I was a better child.... She told me to not feel guilty about anything - but I do and I always will despite what anyone says to me. So I just keep reliving. And reliving. And crying.

And I dread the next few months. Going through all of the anniversaries of last year. The white coat ceremony, turning around and seeing her watching me take an oath to help others. Spending as many weekends as I could with her. Spending all night in the Emergency Department with her getting her on TPN. Going to see Dr. Ferrone the next day with mixed feelings about starting TPN. Thanksgiving - her being around all of us even though she couldn't eat. Finals week and everything falling apart. Kathy's phone call in the library. Sobbing in OSACA to take my BPS final early so that I could get to the hospital. Fighting to get her into hospice while still being on TPN. Studying for postponed finals in the hospital. Spending my month long winter break with my mom in hospice and thankful that I had that time. Sitting vigil with my family. Contemplating my mom's life through the construction of a slide show. Jim's phone call on the 9th of January. Trying to get home that day.

And I wish I could move forward, but I can't. Society expects that I should be better by now. Why am I not better by now? But I am just not. But I don't want to torture anyone else by reliving my thoughts with me - so I keep to myself. I can only seem to make plans with very short notice. If I make plans more in advance, I can't guarantee that I will have the energy to follow through. It is not because I don't love my friends but rather I am having issues loving myself.

I have thought a lot about the phrase "just be yourself" lately. Honestly, I don't want to be myself much anymore. A perfectionist. Self critical to the point of debilitation at times. Depressed. Gaunt. That is me. Only seeing the worst, it is difficult to search around and find the pieces that are still good. My problem is that in my isolation - my attempt to protect the people I love from me - I am not able to see my positives reflected back to me by the faces and voices that give me comfort.

Hiatus

2008-07-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am signing off for a month or two.

Student intern fights to keep opportunity open with a little out of the box thinking

2008-07-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

I was faced with a question today...is it my time that is worth money or are experiences without a monetary retribution more important?

I have worked two days at an independent community pharmacy - one in which they were not necessarily hiring at in the first place - and I received enough clues this afternoon that paying me was an issue. The pharmacy has been around for a long time but the owners are new. The area is impoverished and it is competing with chain pharmacies that have a larger infrastructure to bounce back from economic blows. The summer has been slow. I don't want to take away from what they already have - I want to add to it.

So I made the decision on my own to offer myself as a unpaid intern. The experiences will still be the same and I might even have more freedom to explore different ideas because I don't come with a price tag. The owner was very excited about the offer and said she had some projects - they had talked about possibly starting clinics or screenings and that is something I would be interested in. I was also thinking about maybe seeing if I could diabetes and/or asthma medication adherence counseling. The ideas are still floating around...

So with this - I will have less taxes to pay come April next year, will still have an opportunity to accrue time in a community pharmacy and I am pretty sure that UCSF doesn't ask how much we get paid as interns so it shouldn't be an issue...

Ultimately, I decided that the experience was more important than the money and I want the hours. I guess I am finally starting to look at myself - not as worthless - but rather - as priceless.

Ugh...

2008-07-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

Why did they trade Rich Harden? We have been waiting for him to get healthy for a few seasons now and now he is starting to shine - so what do the A's do? Trade him.