I have been staying away from the blog - hoping that I don't need a place where I dump all of my sadness - that it doesn't exist - but it does.
School is over. I did it. Pharm.D. is now my official suffix with a Dr. to precede my name.
And now I have time to think - my nemesis is unstructured free time.
I am in purgatory. The time between finishing school and going onto my next adventure - Hawaii.
My life as I wanted it to be is gone - spending weekends with my mom are long since gone. I raced forward - revved up - and now find myself stalled at a light. I have time to look around and see what my life could have been - and now need to look towards the next intersection at what it could be.
The memories of my mom laying in a hospital bed in her bedroom still haunt me. This thing that we all go through seems like an assault on me personally. I came across a blog on facebook - the Unprepared Caregiver - a blog that discusses the feelings that people have when they are taking care of their loved ones - the feelings and thoughts that people don't understand unless they have been there - and I felt a little better. I wish I could put this behind me. It is behind me but I grasp it - pulling it into the here and now as if I let it go that I would fly into the sky and be lost forever. And instead I find it pulling me into the abyss. If only there was a way to just lightly touch it - knowing it is there - without its weight.
2 comments:
I am very glad I found you. My mom is in the last stages of living with Ovarian cancer. My feelings run the gamut. This is hell for her. This is hell for me.
For me, every moment is a different emotion. Underneath is all is just this dull pain that never goes away. I have nightmares. Anyway, I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry you lost your mom. My words are sincere because nobody should have to go through this hell and nobody should have to see it.
On a positive note, congratulations!
I am very sorry to hear about your mom and I hope that you both have been able to spend some good, quality time with each other. If you get a chance - google "The Unprepared Caregiver." I wish that website had been up and running before - but you might find it helpful - at least a place that validates the feelings and experiences of someone that is caring for a loved one. My thoughts are with you.
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