Family gatherings

Family gatherings are not the same since my mom has been gone.

I am getting considerable pressure to participate in Thanksgiving with my family this year.

But every year, I convince myself that it will be better - that I will be happy that I went - and while seeing my family is important to me and I love them - I end up feeling nothing but a dishwasher.

I was the dishes because I have no one else with me - no children to take care of - no spouse or boyfriend to attend to. I see a need and I fill it. However - rarely does anyone see the absence which I need filled in my family. No one ever asks me about school. This thing that I have been working so hard at for the last 4 years - this thing that is so difficult to get through. But I would like to think that I am such a professional - that I make it look easy.

On my most recent date - he asked me - so you seem to be good at everything you do - is there anything you struggle in? And I have to admit that I was speechless at first. I think I was speechless mostly because I hadn't assumed that anyone would ever think that I am good at what I do - and then I was speechless to think of what I was bad at - but then it came to standing up for myself. I am not very good at standing up for myself within the context of my family - and yet I would think that they would beg to differ.

So I am taking a bye on this Thanksgiving. I am not washing any dishes. And I am not feeling resentful when no one asks me about me or how school is. And I am going to learn how to take care of myself.