walking alone

It was while I was walking alone yesterday that I realized that walking alone might not be the best idea.

I constructed the suicide note in my head as I walked - thinking about how sorry I was that I just couldn't bear to deal with this world anymore - that I asked my question of what the point of life was. I thought about climbing the fence on the University Ave overpass and jumping down - and then I thought about jumping into the Berkeley Aquatic Park. And then my logistical side kicked in - no - I would live through that... And it occurred to me that through exercise I was able to break down my tough exterior enough to actually having feelings. I am on enough drugs to prevent me from feeling them without some sort of extra stimulus to let them break through. Of course, I would never follow through on these thoughts - despite the tears falling down my face while I thought them.

Now I have therapy three times a week for a while. That seems like a better option.